Local Man Rushed to Hospital with Emergency Case of FUCKBOITIS
There was a medical emergency that happened at approximately 2:30 am Wednesday morning. Drew Strows (Sci’ 17) was rushed into the Kingston General ER with a critical case of fuckboiitis. Details are scarce as more and more of the story is coming to light but sources close to Mr. Strows say that he had had intended to attend the popular Tumbleweed Tuesday event at the Alehouse, a popular club/bar/hive of scum and villainy located near Princess and Barrie.
Benjy Toeborect (Sci’17) spoke with GW reporters outside the Spot shortly after an ambulance wheeled Drew out of the hub. “We thought he was only going through a brief dry spell with the biddy’s” said Mr. Toeborect, a self-described “bro” of Mr. Strows, “We had headed into Ale after waiting a brief forty-five minutes in line, and last I saw he was dancing up a storm, crushing brews and idly cycling through the bar looking for a girl who looked desperate enough to grind on him.” Mr. Toeborect then muttered something about “tequila shots & hookers” then staggered into the doors of the Spot and was immediately ejected by the security staff.
According to an ER doctor taking his smoke break outside KGH, who asked not to be named due to the fact he doubted we were a “real newspaper” said that Mr. Strows was wheeled in looking pale as death and was immediately diagnosed with an extreme case of fuckboiitis after ruling out a stroke, or alcohol poisoning. “The man had gone 7 weeks without even a single slap of ass and for a young bro with his dubious morals, that simply is insufficient.” The disease is predicated by a dry spell of sufficient quantity and symptoms include shortness of breath, clammy cool skin, and a strong odour from the armpits that is can be described as ”vaginally shrivelling.” Nursing staff immediately ruled out even using a pocket pussy to revive his ailing man-cannon, the usual procedure, as his case was so severe: his beaver cleaver was described by a resident as like “a wilted, pickled salami.”
His predicament was presumably brought on by a family history of fuckboitis, dating back to one of the earliest cases ever diagnosed. In 1604, Chad LaStross, a sailor, was unable to score some medieval tang after several months at sea, despite donning his pimpingest wig and going to the most syphilitic of the Paris taverns: Fluid. The hard-working and normally suave and attractive sailor just could not slay, and struck out all night. The prospect of then getting on a boat full of men the next day for two more months caused his penis to quietly detach and crawl away from the man to die in a ditch.
All the while hooked up to an intravenous emergency drip of fuckbengitis, doctors first tried to resucitate the stricken fuckboi with all the methods that modern medicine has to offer. Starting with emergency mouth-to-phallus, which is exactly what it sounds like, and then penile-vaginal stimulation, which is also exactly what it sounds like. Doctors even switched their tactics to target a possible Repressohomosexualitis, a common complicating factor, and conducted an emergency homopenile operation, which is -you guessed it -exactly what it sounds like. Finally, doctors had no other choice but to resort to the final method available in the douchology apartment: Emerganal. In case you haven’t picked up the theme in this article, Emerganal is exactly what it sounds like.
That finally did the the trick and after Mr. Strows stabilized, and according to a press release from the Head of Douchology in Southern Ontario, Dr. Randy Bigmember, the young man seemed to have escaped the ravages shitdickocosis, a common complication with such an invasive procedure. According to Dr. Bigmember, “It was a long, hard night but his vitals are rock solid and he’s on a constant drip of 50 ccs of intravenous Hoochicoochilix that’ll get him up in no time.”
Convential medical wisdom states that provided Drew regularly gets turnt with his boys, keeps his pump on, and with healthy exercise and a little tail on the side Mr. Strows should make a full recovery within two to three weeks. In closing remarks, Dr. Bigmember would like to remind bros worldwide to make sure that, accommodating for body weight and level of Persistent Odour Of Naturalized axe-body-Spray (or POONs), they get ass at regular intervals. If you are a bro or know of a bro who has concerns about possible symptoms, you are urged to call 1-800-420-6969 to speak with a specialist.
Two and a Half Black Men