IT FINALLY HAPPENED!! AFTER 78 DAYS OF CAMPAIGNIN’, DEBATIN’ AND JUST DEMOCRATIN’ ALL OVER THE PLACE, WE CAN ALL GO ON WITH OUR LIVES!
ONE PROBLEM: WE WRITE THE PAPER ON SUNDAYS, SO RIGHT NOW AT PRESS TIME WE DON’T KNOW WHO WON. SO BEAR THAT IN MIND AS WE GO ON TO OUR POST-VOITAL CIGARETTE.

 Man Wins Election, Woman Also Ran
“It’s crazy how this parallels gender roles in our society”-Joe Schmoe Arts’ 19
In a completely unsurprising turn of events Canada gathered on Monday to elect the latest rich white man in a nearly unbroken line of rich white men to be the leader of our country.

Country Votes Wrong, Falls Apart Probably
“I don’t fuckin know, I’m writing this on Sunday” - Exasperated Writer
The election lined up perfectly with the star in the ancient prophecy of end times. The prophecy states that, “a northern election in the month October will surely end in death.” This was last seen in Britain right before the plague. The result for Canada has been the summoning of the four horsemen of the apocalypse that have ravaged the country and left nothing standing. It has also been annoying that a rain of hellfire and brimstone has been sweeping the country.  

Local Man forgets to vote, preferred Candidate loses
“There’s likely no correlation, but it feels like I matter in the universe now” - Local Man

Voters for Winning Party Happy, Voters for other Parties Disappointed with outcome of Election

You no longer have to listen to POLS students’ opinions
“Thank god, that was getting insufferable.” - Everyone
People gathered to the streets to celebrate many things on monday: the election of the Prime Minister and his winning party, a celebration of the good show of democracy put forward by Canadians across the country, and most importantly the 90% reduction in POLS students opinions that inevitably occurs after the  ballots are cast every year. Considerd a natural part of the election cycle, the die off of political opinions is expected to be complete after several weeks as strong political opinions migrate south for the American election.

Grandparents nationwide upset politics not being like “the good old days”
“The kids are talking about smokin’ legal marijuanas and only getting up off their asses to lower taxes and vote for things. In my day we went off to fight in world wars, I’m not a fan of world wars, I just wish I could have smoked some legal marijuanas before I got dentures” -Grandpa Joe
 

Threats of another election have already been muttered 
“We didn’t do as well as we wanted to, so it’s time to put Canada through another election”- Leader of Losing Party
In an unsurprising turn of events a political party(ies) has not done as well in the election as they were hoping to. As a result they want to call another election and throw Canada through another election. “These political parties really need to learn about consent. Canada doesn’t want another election and you shouldn’t force it,” said a political analyst. Currently everything is calming down from the election climax and lives are returning to normal.

Canada continues to be an objectively great place to live for majority of Canadians
“I mean sure we have some problems but holy shit, we’ve got a pretty good thing going here”
Citing reasons such as a large economy, peaceful borders free healthcare and ubiquitous poutine restaurants, a poll shows that despite concernmost Canadians are satisfied with their lot in life. With all the focus on the country’s admittedly nontrivial problems brought to light by campaigners, the poll shows that despite the work that remains to be done, most Canadians are kind of doing great in the grand scheme of things.The factors above combined with the wealth and general well-being that is endemic to living in a first world country, really highlights how good most Canadians have it.

Elizabeth May last seen muttering about “those meddling kids”  as youth base does not come out in enough force to elect more than a few of her party
“Even my own kids didn’t even vote.” - Elizabeth May

Shitty Mayor Now Shitty MP
Victory party described by candidate as “Two Words: not Good. Wait that’s only one word.”
 

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