Tested and Approved Ways to Emergency Eject Booze From Your Stupidly Inebriated System
It’s that time of the night, you have stumbled to the washroom, and like the Ancient Greek aphorism “know thyself” you have transcended self-awareness and realized the temple that is your body needs a good old fashioned spring cleaning. It’s an episode of TLC’s Hoarders; everyone’s concerned for your well-being, and you’ve got to clear that shit out now.Here are some techniques that will help force yourself to throw-up all those Palm Bays floating around your gross body. Each technique has been tested and rated out of 10 by the staff at Golden Words.
The Classic Two-Fingers One Esophagus (7/10) More reliable than that one dog in that one movie or whatever I don’t know where Old Reliable comes from is it a car? Fuck you. Anyways, this works.
Watch tweens trying to flirt with other tweens (8/10) If there is anything worse than a tween, it’s a tween who actually likes other tweens. This technique is highly effective, however the supply of tweens in the student ghetto does not meet the demand of our alcoholic tendencies.
Get a Lobster Sub from Subway (9.4/10)Quickest most effective technique. Everything keeping this from a perfect score has to do with the fact that we had to spend 12$ on it.
Read an entire article by the Journal (5/10) None of us actually tried this out because of our strict moral compass. We’re sure it will work because of science, but it’s probably not worth it. Only use this technique if everything else fails.
Watch Stephen Harper’s band’s Rendition of Sweet Child O’ Mine (3/10)This is a pretty bad idea, it won’t make you throw up at all. Most of us were really moved by the performance actually. If anything, we are disgusted with ourselves for letting such a talented musician leave office.
Eat something gluten free from Leonard Hall (8.5/10) You have to be pretty loaded to meander to the g-free bar, but hey if you were fond of making good decisions you wouldn’t be struggling to walk in a straight line now would you.
Read your MSN conversations from 2009 (6/10) “LMFAOO sorry that wuz my friend! Haha :P” Effective but emotional. Jake logged on and changed his status at 5:34pm and didn’t even look at the message I sent him at 4:58pm. Absolutely gut-wrenching. We all had a good puke and cry at this one.
Listen to someone who doesn’t know anything about politics argue about politics (7.5/10) This is not only easy to find, but readily available at most student ghetto parties. Also most of the time this technique isn’t one you choose, it chooses you. Close your eyes, grab that porcelain, and listen to a friendship ignite and die in just a few ignorant opinion-based arguments, it’ll get you.