Queen’s University Not Meeting The Grade
Queen’s is once again bustling with students returning from the winter holidays, excited to begin what will be for some of them, their last semester ever at this school. However, many students are outraged to be starting the winter term with literally no fucking clue how they did in the fall term. I took some time to speak with some of the outraged and disappointed students shopping with their parents in the local Kingston Wal-mart™ on the weekend:
Ash in 2nd Year Google History and Computer Brogramming had this to say, “I think I did pretty well but like, I could’ve also done not that well, ya know? I just really don’t want to do J-section 2 years in a row.” I do know that would suck balls Ash.
Chelsea in 3rd Year Intro to Being a Doctor was also quite displeased with the situation: “I FUCKING NEED TO KNOW IF I MAINTAINED AT LEAST A 3.8 GPA!! DO YOU REALIZE THAT I HAVE TO WRITE MY MCAT THIS SUMMER?! EVERY SINGLE GRADE COUNTS AT THIS POINT, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE THEY DOING!?!?!”
Allan in 4th year Rock Go Boom Boom Engineering shared a more apathetic view of the situation: “I don’t really care, I know I passed and I’m almost out of here. What I really want is for all these fucks who thought it’d be a good time to start using the gym right in the middle of my regularly scheduled workout, to get fucked! Also, I’d really appreciate if Booster Juice would have a 20% off a smoothie day every so often.” Well said Allan.
The lack of grades have affected students of all years and fields of study. As such, I sought Principal Daniel Woolf for his thoughts on the situation and what we can expect in the near-future: “It has been brought to my attention, via you just saying it to me, that the grades have not yet been posted to Solus. This is a very serious issue that affects all students and I hope to see the situation resolved as soon as possible. In the meantime, I will report to my Swiss Ski Cabin where I will shred into some fresh pow and rip down some gnarly dbd’s! WOOLF OUT! WOOLF WOOLF!” Many students took solace in the fact that the head of the University acknowledged issues that are challenging the student body as well as the fact that he can rip down the Matterhorn like it’s a bunny hill.
Thinking it might be a computer network issue I also sought the input of a Queen’s ITServices representative. Milton Stevens, a networking operator with Queen’s ITS had this to say regarding the Solus based issues, “Hi. Welcome to my office. Over here is my desk, and my chair where I sit. I see you noticed my limited edition Episode VI Princess Leia action figure. Pretty sweet huh? So anyway, the computers are all running fine and the networks fine. I was just questing with my friends in Bain like 20 minutes ago so I know it’s all working.”
It is clear that the issue lies solely with the distinct faculties not wanting to deal with approving grades over their vacations. There is still no clear date as to when we can expect grades back, but this reporter plans to deal with it the same way he’s been doing it for the past 4 years: See you at Throwback kids!