In a bold but unexpected move, Queen’s University has finally responded to concerns coming from students and faculty alike about the dilemma of the Canadian dollar. For those scrounging to make ends meet, the university has introduced the ability to trade in Metro cutlery stickers for credits that can then be put towards tuition or various goods and services across Kingston. In recent months oil prices in the Middle East have dropped dramatically in an effort to undermine US domestic petroleum production. The lifting of sanctions in Iran, including the unfreezing of over $8 billion in private assets, has caused significant concerns in a Canadian economy that relies heavily on its domestic oils in Alberta. As the dollar continues to drop, many students are finding it harder and harder to buy shit online from the US.
Golden Words has reached out and received an official statement from Principal Daniel Woolf. Wearing what can only be described as a home-made chainmail outfit of forks, spoons, and cheese knives, Woolf, sceptre in hand and crown of interlocking butter knives on his brow, stated the university’s intent.
“Having taken in the recommendations of students and staff, and putting them through many rigorous focus groups, we believe that what we have settled on is a middle ground that all can agree on. Whether it be the Pita Pit guy with face tattoo trying to make ends meet, to the 6-person houses that get 30 stickers in one Metro run, we are sure that you’ll get your due.”
    For most, this comes as a welcome help, but an outcry of students that live alone or in houses of 2 have made their concerns vocalized. Raynold Beads, a third year Mining and Environmental Studies medial and upper year rez student, stated his concern. “I mean I just don’t get it - If I wanna keep up with houses of 6 it’s just not possible! I’ve been going to the gym for the last 2 weeks so I’m probably going to get super gains but not 6-times as much! I’ve been doing my best, having to buy gum when my purchases reach like $9.50, but it only goes so far. This policy is unfair and based in a capitalist sense of entitlement for the majority over the minority”.
    Queen’s has a history of changing the currency when the going gets tough for the Canadian dollar. In the 60s Queen’s adopted Sgt. Pepper vinyls to replace the weakening dollar, and in the early 2000s Queen’s brought Runescape gold pieces and Yu-Gi-Oh Egyptian god cards into the market. All of these tactics proved to be resounding successes, and had been touted by economists across Canada as a tool that other universities should consider adopting.
    Golden Words has consulted with our large group of engineers has decided that the best currency for Queen’s to adopt going forward is not the Metro sticker, but gently used condoms. Why are we wasting them so willy-nilly? There are huge islands of used condoms in the middle of the ocean, catching fish and destroying the ecosystem. Here at GW we simply get our condom intern to wash them out, hang them outside to dry, and then we get back to batter dipping the corndog. If you’ve never been to a state fair, you know what I mean. If you have been, I mean coitus.