Sam and Syd Editorial: What We Wanted To Do
Now we as editors had grand dreams for this paper: Sam wanted to print an article entirely in wingdings (because he secretly despises our readers); Syd wanted to write an entire paper in Old English (because she openly despises our readers); Sam wanted to publish a scan of his butt in place of colour content; Syd briefly considered getting Golden Word velour jump suits to be the best dressed publication on campus (but apparently MUSE has a fashion sense worthy of a 30 cent increase). We had goals. We had dreams. Now thanks to a silent majority of people who would lose to Stevie Wonder in a game of spot the joke, this is entirely unattainable. But more importantly this year as editors we had a goal not to get the paper irrevocably, permanently shut down and now thanks to you lily livered fuckbois we slipped under that goal like a tryhard contortionist in a game of limbo.
We have brought shame to our families. We have brought shame to our hometowns. Forever we will be known as the foolish editors who had the nerve and the gall to ask ~7,000 voting members of Canada’s richest, most-privileged, and best looking unemployed students for a goddamn quarter. We see now we flew too close to the sun with this one. Now it’s just us and the StuCons who are trapped in the desperate throes of poverty fiscal unsustainability. We would be out there shaking it for dollar bills but the Plaza failed it’s opt-in fee of “be sleazy with more money than you intended before you walked in the doors”. Although we would like to note the Canadian stripping industry does have challenges in its dancers maintaining an erotic teasing allure whilst getting hit by loonies. Readers, this is our third consecutive referendum failure: we would be panhandling in the streets but Queen’s United Way maintained its opt out fee and is continuing to assist those in need to find the means to be self-supporting and keep their clients safe, and help their process towards integration in society. What we’re trying to say is not all the referendum results were bad.
Look if you would have voted yes to a penny an issue for us we could carry on with our bad selves, only a mere 25 cents richer, we wouldn’t have had to sell out. Now we will be forced to report on real news. And be respectable. So thanks for that. Seeing as we won’t likely be able to remain serious long enough to get through an entire issue, we’ve decided to go with our only other option: closing down the paper altogether. We’ve joined the ranks of Firefly: Season 2, anticipation for another superhero movie, respect for Meek Mill, and David Bowie. That is to say after this issue, we shall cease to be. Good luck getting through your Wednesdays without us. Farewell.