Farewell to Democracy
In a not so surprising move this last week, the United States Congress announced that it had finally passed legislation that will reformat U.S Presidential elections into a celebrity reality TV show. Citing increased partisanship and political apathy in the U.S there was overwhelming consensus in the house that this was the right direction for the country.
“Let’s be honest,” said Massachusetts congressman Will Overstreet. “This was a long time coming. Americans share two things: a celebrity-obsessed culture that any other nation would see as unhealthy, and a complete disregard for the sanctity of democracy or the actual content of their constitution.” He added that “when Kanye West announced he’d be running in 2020, it was a real wake up call. We’d been considering this move in congress for a while and when that happened, we collectively decided it was time to pull the trigger on this one.”
Congress hopes that this move will calm the partisan politics that has plagued post 9/11 America. In an official statement, they said “you can’t ever definitively win a debate on a political issue, but you can win a weekly challenge on a survivor style game show.”
When asked about a host for the show, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said there was only ever “one real choice” as to who congress wanted to be the moderator of their new political extravaganza, and that choice was of course, Jeff Probst. The former survivor host will indeed be leaving the show to work on this new project with the United States government.
Each party will nominate five candidates to go to a remote island. These candidate will be joined by two “wildcard” independents. All nominations will be done via twitter. Once there, each candidate will be given only a suit/pantsuit, an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle, a holy bible, and a “small loan of a million dollars”. Over the next 11 weeks they will participate in a variety of physical challenges and puzzles until only one candidate remains. The prize for the winning candidate will, of course, be the highest office in U.S politics and all the rights and privileges that come with it. Including control of the world’s largest economy and a stockpile of nuclear warheads.
Both Republicans and Democrats have agreed to forgo primaries and pursue this new avenue of election. Nominations will begin immediately to select party candidates.
The show is expected to premier in late summer 2016 under the name “Who Wants to be President of the United States of America?” with the tagline “No platforms, no ideologies, just 12 celebrities, and one island”. A complete breakdown of America’s social and legal institutions is expected to follow within two months of the shows premier.