This week marks the beginning of my last month of being 18.  I don’t really have that many things that I can be justifiably angry about but that doesn’t stop me from being salty as fuck about the fact that even though I’ve legally been an adult for 11 months I’ve had to jump through various hoops to acquire alcohol.  Not to say that the government of Ontario is unfair however.  Here are a bunch of other things I can do as an 18 year old that are way less of a big deal than buying booze.

  1. Buy a gun:  GUNS ARE FUCKING SICK!!! And I can buy as many as I want!  I’m not talking about in America either, I can straight up buy a gun in good old Canada!  Does it inspire confidence that all the annoying little shits like me asking you to buy them alcohol can independently buy their own guns?!  It probably shouldn’t.
  2. DO PORN!:  I’ve been watching porn since I was like 14 but now I’m actually allowed to make it!  I can literally fuck on camera for money and no one seems to give a shit!
  3. Own Property!:  I can own property, which means I can literally own a bar!  I can own a fucking bar but I need someone who is 19 or older to order the booze that I would sell at my bar because apparently being able to do that is a bit too much responsibility!
  4. LITERALLY BE THE PRIME MINISTER OF THE FUCKING COUNTRY!:  I looked it up, there is no age restriction on running for elected office in Canada.  Once you’re 18 it’s open fucking season.  You’re responsible enough to represent your constituents but draw the fucking line at the beer store!
  5. Adopt a child:  If I can meet certain income standards I can go to an adoption agency and volunteer to take on responsibility for another human being.  A real living breathing person that has feelings and wants.  It would shit, cry, eat, sleep, and drink and I am legally allowed to be responsible for all of that, but there is no way I could handle getting my own liquor!
  6. Be tried as an adult for drinking underage!:  I can experience the cruel irony of facing adult consequences for drinking underage!  I can feel the thrill of having a judge pass down a sentence that reflects that I am an adult who is mature and should have known better than to try to consume something that I am not mature enough to consume.
  7. Join the army:  I can kill people for my country!! The sad part is I can’t drink afterwards to celebrate all the killing I’m doing for my country :(
  8. Be a lawyer:  I know that there’s like a shit ton of schooling that you need to go through in order to even take the bar and attempt to be a lawyer, but if I was the Doogie Howser of law I could be a lawyer in a Canadian court at 18 years old.  How fucked is that!?  I could represent you in your vicious divorce case between you and your ex-wife but I couldn’t buy you booze to drink to cope with having to see your bitch ex-wife

There it is.  A bunch of shit that I am actually allowed to do all while not being allowed to buy booze.  This is by far the froshiest thing that I have ever written for this paper and it is my sincere hope that this article fuels your deep seated hatred for frosh even more because in one month it’s not going to be my problem anymore.  *drops mic* #GSL