Do you think that you’re into some kinky stuff? Oh, that’s good for you that you’re in touch with your sexuality but my fetish of one upping people is probably kinkier than what gets you off. Just by telling you that I’m more of a prisoner to my sexual deviance than you are makes my erection throb with possibility. I am brought closer and closer to climax with every person I am able to one up. You have 28 hours of class this week? Oh, I have 30 hours. Sweat beads start to form on my upper brow. Seeing you whisper under your breath, “Wow, this guy seems to have a lot of class”, makes me clench my toes. Paying for tuition is difficult for you and your family? The cost of a university education in this economic climate is just ridiculous, isn’t it? My father had to give his body to prostitution while my mother had to take a second job teaching Hebrew to children to make ends. You realizing that your father never had to be sodomized to afford your education gives me a similar pleasure that is arguably priceless. Oh, your group project partner is MIA? And it’s worth 25% and it’s due tomorrow? I’m in the same class, doing the same project and my group project partner died. I’m also responsible for directing his funeral. And the floral arrangement doesn’t look like it’s going to be arriving on time. His family is just devastated. And I’m unbelievably aroused. Your barber took a little too much off the top? You think you look like Sheldon Cooper from beloved sitcom, The Big Bang Theory. My barber scalped me like Inglorious Bastards. Seems like your barber is a better listener than my barber! Seems like you can’t complain in front of me since your mediocre haircut is nothing in comparison to my bleeding scalp-less head. Get me to the hospital. Also get me a cigarette because I just came a little. Aww, you gave blood? That’s so good for you! I’ve donated some of my essential organs out of my torso that I’ve harvested myself without anesthetic with safety scissors. You should really look into it if you’re passionate about it. Because I’m erotically passionate about overshadowing your deed with my exaggerated effort. You landed the lead role in your school play? What an opportunity! I know a thing or two about valuable opportunities ever since I started shadowing Matt Damon’s stunt double on the set of the seventh Jason Bourne. The stunt double and I jerk off making unbreaking eye contact in the same room knowing that the both of us share a Matt Damon-like leading man quality that’s more expendable than the real Matt Damon. No, we’ll probably never have careers outside of kind of looking like Matt Damon. But I heave and moan in pleasure knowing it’s better than your excuse of an acting career.