Things to Send Your Crush That Say "I'm Always Watching You"

We live in exciting times. What makes the times we live in exciting is that you no longer need expertise or experience in order to provide an opinion or advice on something. For some people that something is religion, for an annoyingly large fucking number of people (certain heads of state included) that something is politics, and for me that something is romance. Now since this is only a widely distributed newspaper available publicly to anyone with the misfortune to pick it up I feel like I can be honest with you, our cherished readers. I have no idea how to romance.

A Guide On How To Organize The Most Romantic Valentine's Day Ever Written by Someone Who is Woefully Unqualified to Offer Romantic Advice

It’s the big day, that one night of the year when all those couples break out of their midwinter slumps and start going at it like a pack of horny gazelles. All your friends seem to be in relationships (except for Derrick, lol), and you’re still looking for love. Well, not looking- you’ve got someone in mind. She’s perfect: long blonde hair, has good handwriting, can see out of both eyes- really just top notch stuff. Or if you’re a girl, he’s got a nice butt and stuff (I don’t know, might as well pander to both sides).

A Very Special and Saucy Set of Valentine's Day Horoscopes

Aries

Your red hot, sexual rampage will come to a grinding halt when a gypsy will put a curse rendering you sexually impotent. Why you ask? She did this on behalf of all of your vengeful ex lovers and you’re about to learn some wholesome life lessons. This month, look into community service and anti-hexes to reverse the curse. Also, you’ll fall in love with a platonic mundane looking friend after seeing them for who they actually are

Taurus

Five Signs The Guy You’re Seeing Has A Fear of Commitment

He says that the film “The Shawshank Redemption” reminds him of you.

When you watch The Shawshank Redemption with your man, does he constantly make parallels between your relationship and the plight of Andy Dufresne? If so, that’s a red flag - he might feel that spending time with you is like serving a 25-to-life sentence on a murder charge. It’s not for certain - you may just bare a resemblance to Morgan Freeman or Bob Gunton. If you don’t, however, he may be hesitant to devote himself to you.

The only time he’ll sit near you is when an ejector seat is available.

Some Alright Haikus on the Alright Love You Can Find at Alright Clubs

I believe in love
In the bar and at the club
It’s there in the hub

Girls put on your heels
Boys get lit, walk on over
Sun, snow, rain, or hail

Got to make it out
Skip the line, don’t pay cover
Pretend you’re hub staff

Walk into the club
With at least a couple friends
And start having fun

Buy a drink or three
Get the cheapest one and tip
Bartender’s hot (nice?)

Check out the dance floor
Lock eyes with girl/boy/other
Make your way over

Queen’s Concrete Toboggan Team Won Somehow

Every year the around 30 of the silliest fucking Queen’s students gather in Ellis Hall and mix around concrete and talk about being beauties or something. It’s a civil-mech eng group mostly but it’s open to everyone. The team is to compete every year in the Great Northern

Concrete Toboggan Race. Basically you gotta make a toboggan that only touches the snow with concrete, and then race a bunch of other teams from across the country down a big ol hill.

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places? Maybe Stop Looking In Crack Dens

Hey guys. Alex back at it again with the white Vans. Another weekend cut short by the Sunday-soul-sucking endeavour known as Press Nite. I’m not resentful that I’m consistently outclassed by people that are far more talented than me - who said that? In any case, yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and I know a lot of our readers are left with the sting of being single. Even though you are all extremely good looking, and have all the qualities of a suitable mate, there are lots of reasons why you are S.I.N.G.L.E. For some it could be their attitude or maybe personality.

Fall In Love With Yourself by Being Two People From Your Multiple Personality Disorder

Ok, yeah, this is exactly like the movie Split ™ by M. Night Shyamalan. Isn’t MPD just twins in one place? Aren’t twins just the best two for one deal of all time?

Top 7 Alt-Right Hotties with Bodies

Hey cutie, Valentine’s Day got you down? Feel like there’s an impenetrable wall around your heart? Being alone feels badmon. If you don’t have a bae this Valentine’s day, or they’re just straight up not allowed to enter the country anymore, we’ve got you your back. No cuckservatives, no whiny libtards, and definitely no betas here - only the realest, purest, waspiest wasps we could find at the bottom of the swamp. Here are 7 alt right machismo men that will deport your wintertime blues back Islamastan.

Steve Bannon

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