The Secret Society that is “Physical Plant Services”

Whether you are a frosh in Fine Arts or a grad student in Physics, you’ve seen them. Lurking from the shadows, the Physical Plant Services wait in their over priced, chromed-out Ford F-250’s. Now you may not have paid much attention to them but hey, what do they actually do? They avoid suspicion from the public eye by occasionally doing legitimate work like mowing the lawn twice a year and plowing the snow 48 hours after it has fallen. However, we planted an undercover reporter with them for the last year and a half to help us uncover the truth.

Girl Who Consistently Overreacts Announces She Hates Drama

Jennifer Vandreet, fourth year Commerce Student, has written a 15 paragraph, 7000 word Facebook post announcing to her friends and followers that she hates drama. The Facebook post, which was originally published on November 5th, was originally overshadowed by Science Formal occurring on the same day and only received 2 shares and 37 likes. In wake of the oversight of her peers, Jennifer bravely decided to reshare the post to her own timeline just yesterday. “I just really wanted people to know where I’m at with my life,” Jennifer revealed in a Golden Words exclusive interview.

An Ode to the Idiots That Block my View of the Mirror at the Gym

If I could run across the beach
Into my own arms,
I would.
My view of myself is the most important thing in this room right now
So can you move two inches to the left?
You have no social awareness that you’re blocking my vision
You’re really ruining this for me:

Where Are They Now? The Cast of Archie Comics

Y’all remember Archie comics? That was lit dude. To me there’s nothing more interesting than reading about the lives of like 10 high schoolers perpetually trapped in grade 12 forever and forced to live through the monotony of going to yet another school dance, having 2 dates booked in one night, or that one time Archie Andrews got shot in the stomach and died. That actually happened, look that up. He jumped in front of his friend Kevin, who’s a senator, took a bullet for him and died. Why couldn’t they have killed Dilton? That kid sucks.

Stats Show Bottle Flipping And Rapping Hot Bars Makes People Think Your D is Bigger

We here at Golden Words are really into bottle flipping. Obviously, we are all secretly incredibly well-endowed. So science shows a correlation between obsessive bottle flipping and public perception of penile girth and length. All evidence points to how this is a straight fact of nature, as indisputable as Newton’s laws of motion or the fact that when you make milkshakes, boys WILL come to your yard.

Girl You’re Not Attracted To Trying To Talk To You? She’s D-Hungry and Doesn’t Understand The Laws Of Nature.

Here’s a scenario: you’re minding your own business at a party, trying to scope out an attractive girl to get with and then suddenly, a girl you don’t find attractive tries to strike up a conversation with you! (Not that 5”4 brunettes are universally unattractive - the girl in question isn’t grotesque or disfigured, and after all, 5”4’ is the average height for a woman).

Golden Words believes this is unacceptable and outlines three principles that all insecure men should follow (note this is satire, please):

Top 5 Ways to Ice Your Friends

It’s getting to be Winter time which means pretty soon there’s going to be ice everywhere. It’s going to be on the ground, in outdoor hockey rinks, and dangerously falling off of tall buildings and putting your life at risk. So, in keeping with the theme of ice, there is no better time than week 11 to start an ice war with your friends, housemates, or floormates. By ice, I’m obviously talking about Smirnoff Ice.

What Happened When I Grew A Moustache? These Things.

As some of you may know, and as most of you probably don’t, I am a HUGE fan of white noise machines. I listen to that shit while I study, while I sleep, while I make pizza pockets, and overtop of television shows. You see me doing something? Chances are that I am bumping that sweet, sweet, white noise. I recently went home with a guy who played a blend of air conditioning fan noises to fall asleep to. The loop was about eight minutes long and at the end of every eight minutes, it skipped and replayed itself. Talk about romance, am I right ladies?

SAMANTHA’S TOP 5 WHITE NOISE BANGERS TO GET LAID TO

Woah what’s going on? Who’s this other blonde girl below me? That’s not Leah. At least I don’t think it is. Change scares me.

Finally A Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart Erotica

The moment we have all been waiting for is here, the Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party TV show has been out for some time now, and we have all had one thing on our mind-when are they going to you know… :P. So here is a little X-rated fanfiction I thought up!

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