How to Master the DIY Threesome

So you’re all alone on a Thursday night with nothing but a package of mini cucumbers and a thirst for adventure- it’s time to get a little freaky. You’re not just looking for love, you’re looking for love from two different people like a mustachioed porn star from the 80’s. Class is in session boys and girls and the lesson plan is fresh off the photocopier: how to absolutely master the ancient art of the threesome, all by yourself.

Massacre at Local Lawnbowling Club

Kingston Lawn Bowling Club- Local senior citizens were treated to a thrashing as visiting Belleville Lawn Bowling Club defeated Kingston Lawn Bowling Club 31 bowls to 2. The team of Rick Wellsford, Sarah Stewart, David Pena bowled a near flawless game to upset the updated home team roster of Sean Bitter, Kellyanne Oldman and Donald Goldschmidt. Local fans say they were shocked when the home team repeatedly tried repositioning their balls after poor throws. Referee Angus Cottrell was forced to intervene on several occasions to restore order to the game, citing “foul-play”.

Realistic New Year’s Resolutions

At about this time of year, resolutions are slowly becoming the fuel to our sadness as we watch them all fail. Miserably. Sorry, too real? Forgot the genre of this newspaper for a second there. Well, to cheer you all up I have prepared a list of realistic resolutions that you couldn’t possibly give up on.

1. Breathing!

If you’re looking for a 100% chance of staying with your resolution and you don’t plan on fucking dying, then this one will surely not let you down!

2. Making a list of resolutions

If Ryan Gosling is a Bird, I'm More Like a Fugly Vole

**NOTEBOOK SPOILER**

OK - so I started writing this article under the assumption that most people have seen the most raved about rom-com on this side of the world: The Notebook. For those who haven’t, there is a scene in which Ryan Gosling harnesses the power of his love to turn himself into a majestic bird that fights crime with a laser made of his physical affection for his true love, Regina George. Trust me - watch this movie.

**END SPOILER**

Dean Woodhouse’s 2017 Executive Orders

This Winter 2017 semester has seen unprecedented action on the part of the Queen’s Dean of Engineering. She has been acclaimed by many for her energy and her relentlessness, while condemned by some for her innovative ideas. However, it is undisputable that unlike many previous Deans, she has accomplished what she has said she would when she was campaigning to become Dean of Engineering, and much more.

If I Sleep with a Guy, He's a Legend, but If a Girl Sleeps with Me, She's a Lesbian? And a Second Thought

Hey guys, what’s up, me again, I am back and I have some things I think we should think about for half of week 5 and 1 day into week 6. This is not a lot of time I am asking you to consider - it’s like 3 hangovers and one brunch with your boyfriend’s parents. It’s fine. I swear it.

Faking it: A University Student's Guide on How to Make it Look Like Your Life isn't Falling Apart Even Though it Actually is

If you’re anything like me right now is about the time of year that life comes crumbling down around you. You have 10 due dates in the next week and a half, your relationships are under strain, you spent too much time getting drunk, and you haven’t opened a book since December. Now this is a situation rife with opportunity. Your life hasn’t actually fallen apart yet.

Putting It In Rice Couldn’t Save My Failing Relationship

Wow guys, thanks for all the advice, your help has been outpouring and I’ve really appreciated it. In times like this I take solace in knowing that our dear readers support me.

Thanks to WebMD I now know my increased irratabilty has to to with my brain tumor, not josh’s shitty excuses

Mid-day yesterday, I came to a startling realization and things haven’t been the same since my diagnostic. My humor in the past couple of weeks or so have been steadily changing and I have felt myself growing more and more irritable. How could this be so? I am a chill girl-that’s my thing. I’m like such a chill girl, like most of my friends are boys, like I’m just one of the guys.

Student Disappointed Corgi Was Just CoGro Autocorrected

It was a sad day for Jonathan Robert Mueller as he received an exciting iMessage from one of his close friends. Jeremy Levin, his canmate in Leggett in first year, was always loyal to him and would help him no matter the cause. When Mueller got his penis stuck in that makeshift cold cut fleshlight, Levin helped, using saliva, to get him out of it. When Mueller got his penis stuck in a mug, Levin yanked him out. When he got his penis stuck in a hockey puck, Levin was really confused but helped anyway.

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