25 Things Golden Words Didn't Talk About This Week

  1. Ebola and its Terrifying Implications
  2. The Journal Cowering From our Challenge
  3. Segregation
  4. The Avro Arrow
  5. Nazis
  6. Israeli Conflict
  7. Scientology
  8. Derrick Dodgeson
  9. Kimberly Woodhouse
  10. North American Man/Boy Love Association
  11. Rape Culture
  12. Attention Deficit Disorder
  13. ISIS
  14. The Sexuality of Abraham Lincoln
  15. Abortion
  16. Necrophilia
  17. Women Blaming in the Bible
  18. Margaret Thatcher
  19. Slavery
  20. Hentai
  21. FERGUSON
  22. Censorship
  23. NAFTA
  24. Sexuali

AMS Proposes Renaming “Ritual”, “Religious Ceremony”

The latest in a series of rulings in an attempt to desperately check all of campus’ privilege, the AMS has declared that it wishes to make steps to rename the ever popular excuse to skip class on Friday, “Ritual” as the more politically correct “Religious Ceremony”. AMS spokesperson Amanda Lootsma who asked not to be referred to as him or her saying it was gender-limiting, said today that “The chief ceremony of the most visible cult on campus, Applied Science, shouldn’t be demeaned with derogatory terminology. You wouldn’t call Rosh Hashanah Jewish Thanksgiving, would you?

Chick OR Egg?

The question that has been puzzling people for generations: “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” Personally, I really don’t give a shit. As long as I have my eggs at breakfast and my chicken at dinner I couldn’t care less.
The other day, however, while going through the freezer I found something unbelievable. A carton of eggs, frozen like Han Solo in carbonite. I quickly looked over my shoulder to make sure Boba Fett wasn’t going to zoom in and steal the shelled Han’s before it finally sunk in…what fucking idiot freezes eggs?

Golden Review: Chili (Dog) Fest

Chili Rating: 5/5
Dog Rating: Holy shit that’s a dog?!

No, I’m not talking about those phallic meaty solids inside a bun and topped with gooey meaty spicy goo. I’m talking about the gooey spicy goo on its own, plus dogs. Like the live animal on a leash.

Douchebag Guitar Lessons

Now that the weather is starting to get colder, parties are starting to move indoors. That can only mean one thing: now there is finally a concentrated audience for you to serenade with your musical prowess on the acoustic guitar. Just as the Victorians gathered around the household piano for their entertainment 120 years ago, so will the partygoers of today flock to that dude in the button down polo “casually” strumming “whatever just pops into his head”. Of course, this cannot be simply be a “spur of the moment” event, but carefully planned and executed.

How to be a Disney Princess

A night of childhood reminiscence and a significant amount of hard alcohol lead me to a now firm belief that everyone’s deepest desire is to be a Disney Princess. So here are a few things you can do to accomplish your unknown lifelong dream:
1. Pick a Princess - Try and choose within your own bodily limitations. There won’t be any crazy evil witches to do some body modification so you can get your man. For instance, if you are small, white, and have access to wigs or hair-dye you can be almost any princess you want.

Night Delight

At the party in this moment I am.
Speaking like yoda because I am high,
Could not sink a cup despite how hard I try.
  
The balls, bouncing off the cups with a bam.
My partner and I stuck in a rut,
If I missed again, my balls she would cut.
  
Any hole that was the goal,
But it hit the rim to my dismay
But fell into another, a bounce, hooray
  
The sweet victory I celebrated with a bowl.
And just like that I headed out the door,
To the open world did I explore.
  

Down With the Vermin!

I was minding my own business, walking down the street and then BAM! Nutella jar falls from the heavens. Thought one: wormhole. Thought two: maybe thought one wasn’t the most realistic. Thought three: it’s an ATTACK.

Golden Words Throws Keg Race By Themselves

5 Dead and 3 in Critical Condition
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Being Sick Sucks

Thanks to the extremely weak immune systems of all the frosh, pit flu has now evolved into a superbug capable of infecting the rest of the Queen’s community. I myself was infected over a week ago and have been suffering with the sniffles ever since. So, to anyone who got sick before me and then coughed without covering your mouth or forgot to wash your hands even once: Fuck You.

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