Editorial: Sober Diary

Based on the hungover mishaps that was last weekend, this past weekend I decided to stay relatively sober. After one Tennessee Honey whisky sour classily sipped over the span of several hours at the Brooklyn, I informed my friends that I will be going to bed early like a good girl.

Editorial: SMASH BROS!

I am about to take you on a long, emotional journey deep into the heart of a man who has a problem. I - Joe Craib - am really shitty at Super Smash Bros.

Top Eleven Buzzfeed Articles You Missed Out On

  1. Top 8 Transformers 4 Trailers That Were Better Than The Movie
  2. This Speech Mentions a Trending Social Issue So You Can Feel Good About Reading It
  3. 800,000 Gifs That Were Funny, So I Captioned Them Explaining The Joke Unnecessarily
  4. Inane Barely-Entertaining Shit To Sate Your Need to Waste Your Life
  5. 18 Shitty Theories That Prove You Still Have A Hard-On For The Harry Potter Series
  6. 5 Buzzfeed Articles That Do Something Incredible, U’LL TOTES CRY AT THE END!!!!
  7. 4 Gifs From TV Shows That Do Not Add Anything To The Show At All
  8. Chicken Sou

The Elephant in the Room

BRIAN and MARISSA are at a party, having a conversation. They are total strangers.
Brian: Pretty great party, isn’t it?
Marissa: Duh. I’m fucking here with you.
Brian: No you’re not.
Marissa: What? What do you mean, of course I’m here with you.
Brain: Yes, but you’re not FUCKING here with me. I think I would notice if you were doing that.
Marissa: You’re an asshole dude.
Brian: Whatever. At least your talking to me.
Marissa: You’re!
Brian: That’s what I said.
Marissa: No you said your.

AMS Starts Long and Expensive Campaign to Re-brand Ghetto Bugs as University District Bugs.

    Following the underwhelming success of the campaign to rebrand the Student Ghetto as the University District, the AMS has decided to spend even more time and money on marketing campaigns to remove the stigma of the ghetto being an area in Kingston where students pay high rent for generally shitty housing. The previous unspoken agreement was that students would cope with the depressing look of their houses by being slightly too recklessly under the influence at all times.

77% of Queen's Students Can Totally Stop Drinking Whenever They Want

A recent study conducted by the AMS concluded that an overwhelming majority of Queen’s students can stop drinking whenever they want. This was followed by 13% who stated they drink “maybe once a weekend, two tops” and 10% who yelled “Holy fucking shit you’re not my dad”, and ripped up the survey and stumbled out of the room. 100% of students responded “yes” to actually being drunk while taking the survey.

Breakdown of the Football Disaster Against Guelph

(disclaimer: these are real numbers)
-66-0.
-(11 naked miles????).
-First time since 2005 that the Gaels scored 0 in a game.
-Also called a shutout.
-Football team slightly embarrassed.
-Queen’s bands salvaged Queen’s pride, painted the Guelph canon in tricolour (overlord).
-‘Largest losing margin in the 133-year history of the program’ according to the Gryphon’s Wordpress
-86 full yards of rushing
-Too many “wtfisagael” hashtags
-Queen’s students will forgive (purposely forget) their beloved team in time for homecoming (hopefully)

Nonsense

Why is the world purposely confusing when it doesn’t have to be? I smile and turn the other cheek for some things, e’s before i’s that aren’t after c’s (it’s weird), toe socks, trees that have red leaves in the summer, toe socks … But some things are too fucking much. I can pretend that the world is okay but then these things exist:

West Campus Narrowly Avoids Independence from Queen's

Referendum voters last week chose to remain connected with Main Campus.

In what many pundits (POLS students) are calling “the tightest vote in years”, the residents and staff of Queen’s University’s self-described “little tumour”, West Campus, voted 51.2% to 48.8% against independance. The referendum had been dominating student discussion across campus for a couple of hours before the results came in.

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