Editorial: Healthy Eating!

Look, I get it. When you’re on campus and you’re late for class sometimes you just wanna grab some Timmies. But then once in a while becomes once a day, everyday, or even more. And it’s not just Timmies. Pizza Pizza, CoGro, Canadian Grilling Company, Starbucks and a bunch of other restaurant chains that we can’t mention because they didn’t pay for this sweet product placement.

iPhone 6 - The sign of design. With you in mind.

Editorial: Hangover Diary

Hangover Diary
00:15. Leave Ian’s birthday party after stealing the clitoris of his vulva cake.
01:00. Go to bed extremely drunk after 2 drinks over 5 hours.
09:00. Receive snapchat from Ian - a picture of Ian hungover in a bus, captioned “hungover in a bus”.
10:00. Wake up by phone call from Mother. Answer in a series of variously tuned “mhmm”s. Mother gathered that I’m still asleep and makes plans to call back in an hour.

Your Weekly Combination Weather Report/ Horoscope

Monday
If your sign is Taurus, Leo, Aquarius, or Virgo: Sunny, High of 17. Increasing cloudiness in late afternoon with chance of showers into the overnight, low of 11.
If your sign is Aries, Gemini, Libra, Scorpio, Sagitarious, Capricorn, or Pisces: Cloudy with a chance of showers into the day, High of 11. Increasing sunniness into the overnight with a low of 17.
If your sign is Cancer, that is unfortunate, I hope everything works out ok.
Tuesday

Top 10 Quick And Easy Ways To Piss Off Your Roommate

1) Never ever buy milk. Always drink your roommate’s.
  • Pros: FREE MILK!
  • Cons: None.
2) If you ever have to fart, do yourself a favour and do it in their pillow.
  • Pros: You don’t get fart everywhere but have it in one convenient location.

Rez Room Essentials

Hopefully all you first years are getting settled into residence now. There are, however, many things that you may have not realized you needed to make the most of your experience at Queen’s University.

Area Frosh is Doing Totally Fine, Mom

Sources confirmed Monday that Robert MacDonell, ArtSci ‘18, is in great health and is adjusting well to university life, mom.
MacDonell is reportedly eating enough and handling his course load just fine. He really likes English but isn’t sure how much he likes Economics. Additionally, MacDonell isn’t too cold and he does wear his coat at night. And the hat he got for Christmas from Nonna. Yes, really.

-Golden Reviews- Diet Review: Cannibalism

  • Diet Type: Carnivorous
  • Popular with: Murderers
  • Illegal In Canada Since: 1867
  • Our Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
  • Average Rating: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Warning: Do not try this at home without adult supervision

Kingston Cops Pleased With Peaceful Frosh

Kingston police forces were reportedly pleased by the peaceful activity they observed during Queen’s Frosh Week throughout campus and the University District. Brandon Castles, spokesperson for the Kingston Police Department, credited the results to Queen’s strongly enforced dry frosh policy, a demonstrated upswing in civic responsibility, and the sight of dozens of police officers patrolling the district all hours of the night.

Doug Ford to Run for Mayor as Brother

On the heels of the revelation that Rob Ford will be abandoning his bid for mayor due to health problems, Doug Ford has announced that he will be running in his brother’s place.
At an emotionally charged press conference this past Tuesday, the elder Ford passionately shouted, ‘I will keep Ford Nation going strong the only way I know how, by changing my first name and running for mayor as my brother Rob! There will be a Ford in office, just as sure as there are $2.79 Whoppers at Burger King on Whopper Wednesdays.’

Western Football Team Accused of Cursing Queen's Gaels

After Queen's crushing defeat on Saturday, Queen’s students and alumni alike have banded together to accuse Western of cursing the Queen's football game with black magic. The loss, with a final score of 12-43, left Queen's students drunk, wet, and pissed the fuck off. Whilst being escorted out of the game, several Queen's students were quoted as saying "Fuck you StuCons, I'm totally not that fucking drunk, man!" Other Queen's fans appeared to be in shock at the loss. "I have no idea how we lost", an Arts ‘17 said.

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