Famous Paradoxes and How They Can Applied to Sex and Masturbation

Here at Golden Words™ we like to consider ourselves deep thinkers. This is a little known fact but most press nites are actually just lengthy discussions about classical philosophy and the deeper meaning of life. However, we are also disgusting pieces of shit whose senses of humour are centred mainly on jokes involving vulgarity and topics that should generally be excluded from polite conversation. This week, for your reading pleasure, we have assembled five of our favourite paradoxes and discussed how they can be applied to sex and masturbation.

Political Experts Blame Phallic Shaped State Florida for Fucking America

At around 10pm on November 8th, 2016, liberal America’s worst nightmares began to become reality. Hillary Clinton, long favoured to win the election for 45th American President, had been flip-flopping on a lead in the state of Florida against Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. Suddenly, the votes in the rural northern regions of the state were tallied up, and it became clear that Donald Trump was going to take the state of Florida.

5 Signs That Your Professor is Actually Joe Biden

1) If your professor makes an offhand comment about being out of a job next January, and feeling that his replacement is unqualified.

Really, this could describe a lot of people. But it’s worth noting that the presidential term ends next January, and Joe Biden will be replaced by Mike Pence, a man whose qualifications are considered questionable by some.

2) If, in the middle of their lecture, your professor tells an anecdote involving them and a friend from work named Barack Obama.

The Golden Words Guide to Coping with Tragedy

Following an eventful week for our neighbour to the South, it has become essential for Golden Words to do its best to aid any Queen’s students going through tough times in reaction. Seek the step by step guideline below for help coping with tragic events like an orange baboon’s presidential victory.

Celebrating the 350th Anniversary of Queen’s - a Sci ‘95s Perspective

What a momentous year for Queen’s University at Kingston upon Earth. As a newly enrolled frosh hailing from the colonies of Tranquility Basin, northern continent of Mars, I am proud to be a student at this venerable institution with its staggering 350 years of history. From viewing the historical holodeck presentation, and the absurdly primitive digital light emission screens in the old museum, I believe the Sesquarcentennial Tricolour Celebrational All Integrated Hive Mind Committee (STCAIHMC better know as Sasquatch) have truly outdone themselves.

Life Hacks for Creative Wacks

The internet makes up the vital foundation for every aspect of our technological society. Whether it’s your online banking, sharing nuclear launch codes or getting some porn to masturbate to, the internet makes it possible. So what happens when your router stops working? Fret not, for while your banking and nuclear launch codes will have to wait, fap time will thankfully not. So grab your lotions and get ready to rub, because in this article you will find a plethora of different ways to entertain yourself without the need for PornHub or other such pornographic outlets.

KCVI Student Terrorist Plot Unearthed and Quashed

At 9:44 pm on November 5 2016, the Kingston police received a distress signal coming from the Golden Words office in Clark Hall. Two people were found upon entering, the dead body of writer Cain Ronson and 14 year-old Tiny Mansworth, clutching a bloody knife. Tiny Mansworth didn’t go down without a fight but thankfully his small waifish frame made it easy for Officer JJ Barnacle to apprehend him. After being read his Miranda (Cosgrove) rights he yelled, ‘I was just in here to do my science homework, I swear! What do I know about making a portable non-potable anthrax bomb?’.

White People Take It One Step Further: Clapping When Their Exams Are Finished

Dev Gupta, a third year student commerce, amidst writing one of his final exams, was startled by a round of applause that rang through the exam writing room.

“I was shocked. I looked up from my exam and saw that a large number of students clapping. Not to make it a race thing, but I’m pretty sure only the white students were applauding” Gupta told his harrowing story to Golden Words, draped in a space blanket that the paramedics gave him.

“I’m so confused… why were they clapping? Is reverse-racism a thing? Why am I so cold.”

How I Could Take On A Cougar in Cage Match to the Death 4/10 Times

You’re in the deep, dark, moist Amazonian jungle with only your wits, a loin cloth and your iPhone 6S by your side. You been traversing the thick foliage for days, taking on a terrain more confusing than a Bengalese dessert menu, a bead of sweat forming on your brow. You take a deep breath, smelling the fresh animal poop from various birds, lizards and small mammals (seriously consider the amount of uncleaned poop there is in the wild, it’s more than you think). But wait: you’re not alone.

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