Top Ten Funny Things to Say Now That The AMS is ANUS

  1. “I really want to get involved with our ANUS, I’ve done some other things around campus, but our ANUS just looks like tons of fun”
  2. “Did you go to the meeting last night? I was doing ANUS stuff for 4 hours”
  3. “Top positions in our ANUS”
  4. “The community outreach program was really impressed with the ANUS’s control”
  5. “Our ANUS has over 20000 members”
  6. “The work done by the ANUS over the last couple years has been really improving”
  7. “Sometimes I wish our ANUS was a little more selective of who it lets in”

Queen’s Functions - Programming Your University Life


eat()
{
    if(frosh == true)
    {
        if(midnight == true)
        {
            ingest(curlyFries);
            ingest(piece*4);
}
    }
    else
        ingest(instantNoodles);
}
sleep()
{
    if(eng)
        return false;
    else if(night)
        true;
}
caffeine()
{
    if(white == true && girl == true)
        return starbucks(pumpkinSpice);
    else
    {
        waitInLine(30 minutes);

Students Livid about Homecoming, Despite Having Great Time

    After an exciting 2014 Homecoming, the University has largely considered it’s efforts to make the event safe and respectful a resounding success. Our football team crushed York’s team in a 57-10 rout. Aberdeen was kept calm and largely devoid of masses of equal parts drunken teenagers and drunken septuagenarians.

Academic Dishonesty

So you’ve had enough. You just aren’t smart enough, aren’t good enough at depriving yourself of sleep. The university life isn’t for you and you want out. But you’re scared. “What will my parents say?” you think to yourself. And more importantly, “What will my friends think?”

Cover: Midterms Mania!

Direct to DVD Sequels of Popular Movies

Schindler’s Hit List:
When we last saw Oskar Schindler, he had just rescued hundreds of Jews from certain death during the Holocaust by making them work for his factory making defective munitions for the Axis. Now, he’s returned from his trip from Japan where he learned the ancient arts of the League of Shadows and using his fortune he will become the World’s Greatest Detective in order to rid his city of Nazis.
A Farewell to Legs

Half-time Evaders

Officials are concerned of a worrying pattern emerging in the student populations. Half-time deserters. Statistics show that 98% of the 12% of students tested will leave anything and everything at its half-way point.
“We have seen the majority of our students leaving every lecture during the half-point break and not returning. This worrisome trend of leaving half way through has even translated towards their submitted work. I regularly get an essay ending halfway through the paragraph.” - PSYC100 Prof

Class of Sci (20)’35 Already Feeling the Pressure

This past weekend, many insane alumni thought it would be a good idea to bring their small children to the homecoming events. And in our discussions with some of the 1 year olds on campus, it’s become quite apparent how much pressure is on this future crop of Queen’s eng students.
“It’s almost like as soon as I came out of the womb, these people slapped a Queen’s sweater on me” said Darrius MacMillan, who was found stumbling around outside Clark while his parents were at Ritual (he was the most coherent person there). “I got no chance of going anywhere else.”

Once a Fencer, Always a Fencing Alum

I got up especially early Saturday morning in adrenaline and ran to West campus. Not to the Richardson Stadium, but to the gym in Duncan McArthur. It was Alumni Fencing Event day! That means, any fencer in Queen’s history could be there. I was gonna see a lot of good skills, a lot of great bouts, a lot of pain but a lot of fun!

Favorite Memories of Homecoming

  1. A 5 ft nothing girl walking down Princess, texting furiously, turns into an ally, pukes on a homeless man, has no change and walks away pleading, “I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry, No Change”.
  1. Kim Woodhouse, Dean of engineering, wearing a tam all morning. Also, Daniel Woolf wearing his artsci jacket.
  1. Geo students being gone until 5:00, study finds that there was a 90% drop in the amount of plaid worn.
  1. Man actually bleeds tricolour - immediately sent to KGH.

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