Golden Review: Chili (Dog) Fest

Chili Rating: 5/5
Dog Rating: Holy shit that’s a dog?!

No, I’m not talking about those phallic meaty solids inside a bun and topped with gooey meaty spicy goo. I’m talking about the gooey spicy goo on its own, plus dogs. Like the live animal on a leash.

Douchebag Guitar Lessons

Now that the weather is starting to get colder, parties are starting to move indoors. That can only mean one thing: now there is finally a concentrated audience for you to serenade with your musical prowess on the acoustic guitar. Just as the Victorians gathered around the household piano for their entertainment 120 years ago, so will the partygoers of today flock to that dude in the button down polo “casually” strumming “whatever just pops into his head”. Of course, this cannot be simply be a “spur of the moment” event, but carefully planned and executed.

How to be a Disney Princess

A night of childhood reminiscence and a significant amount of hard alcohol lead me to a now firm belief that everyone’s deepest desire is to be a Disney Princess. So here are a few things you can do to accomplish your unknown lifelong dream:
1. Pick a Princess - Try and choose within your own bodily limitations. There won’t be any crazy evil witches to do some body modification so you can get your man. For instance, if you are small, white, and have access to wigs or hair-dye you can be almost any princess you want.

Night Delight

At the party in this moment I am.
Speaking like yoda because I am high,
Could not sink a cup despite how hard I try.
  
The balls, bouncing off the cups with a bam.
My partner and I stuck in a rut,
If I missed again, my balls she would cut.
  
Any hole that was the goal,
But it hit the rim to my dismay
But fell into another, a bounce, hooray
  
The sweet victory I celebrated with a bowl.
And just like that I headed out the door,
To the open world did I explore.
  

Down With the Vermin!

I was minding my own business, walking down the street and then BAM! Nutella jar falls from the heavens. Thought one: wormhole. Thought two: maybe thought one wasn’t the most realistic. Thought three: it’s an ATTACK.

Golden Words Throws Keg Race By Themselves

5 Dead and 3 in Critical Condition
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Being Sick Sucks

Thanks to the extremely weak immune systems of all the frosh, pit flu has now evolved into a superbug capable of infecting the rest of the Queen’s community. I myself was infected over a week ago and have been suffering with the sniffles ever since. So, to anyone who got sick before me and then coughed without covering your mouth or forgot to wash your hands even once: Fuck You.

Cosmos Originally Made Exclusively for Stoners

A recently discovered note from Carl Sagan’s old desk revealed that Cosmos was solely created for those under the influence of marijuana. “The big flashing lights, the ‘whooshing’ noises as asteroids fly through space, the infinite zooming in from huge planets to the nuclei of atoms, you’d have to be a fucking tool to think the primary demographic isn’t stoners,” Sagan stated.  

Don't Join a Club

Frosh, as you may know, there are over 200 clubs on campus that you can join. “Can” being the key word here, not “should” because I’m about to tell you why joining a club is a terrible idea.

When Parents Visit

           There are certain thoughts that every student has before and during a visit from the parents: why are you doing this, what did I do wrong, can you buy me groceries, shit I should probably clean, and is there a way I can get out of this? Even if, for some unknown reason, you miss the presence of your family, you really don’t want them to come visit. It’s easier and less terrifying to just go home to see them.

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