Doritos Roulette: An Open Letter to Doritos

This bag of chips is a stupid fucking idea because it strongly discriminates against people who are both high and not with friends. Do you know how frustrating it is to want a nice pleasing dorito and instead receive a mouth full of figurative lava? Now imagine that you’re more baked than the cumulative bakedness of a bread factory and then experience the burning pain of an extra spicy dorito. Doritos seemed to jump on that stupid fucking marketing trend of pretending that everyone has friends all the time.

Backpack Wars

Life Disconnected

Due to a clerical error, my house’s internet was disconnected last year. We were all too lazy to call Cogeco to reopen our account. This is my journal of life without internet.
Month 1. This isn’t so bad. It’s really hard to procrasterbate without the internet. This could actually be a good thing.
Month 2. I miss buzzfeed. I am sad.
Month 3. My nights are so empty without Netflix…
Month 4. Still haven’t paid student fees because I can’t access Solus. Shit.

Possible Meeting for Agnostic Club Tomorrow

    The Agnostic Club at Queen’s announced yesterday that they may or may not be hosting a meeting tomorrow night to discuss their possible belief in a religious deity. Club President Christine Simmonds announced that the meeting, if it happens, will be held in Dunning Room 12. “We’re not positive that the meeting is a sure thing yet. I mean, it’s certainly highly possible that there could be a meeting. But really, who can know for sure?” Simmonds was quoted as saying.

25 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Kimberly Woodhouse

25 things You Probably Didn’t know about Kimberly Woodhouse: The Results of her Seemingly Mundane Background Check May Shock You

The Underground to Cut Unessential, Non-Line Up Services

It’s time for another change at the Underground, say AMS executives. In response to sinking sales since last year’s rebranding, costs must be cut. But AMS Vice-President of Operations Justin Reekie has a plan to streamline operations while still providing students the same basic service.

Editorial: Healthy Eating!

Look, I get it. When you’re on campus and you’re late for class sometimes you just wanna grab some Timmies. But then once in a while becomes once a day, everyday, or even more. And it’s not just Timmies. Pizza Pizza, CoGro, Canadian Grilling Company, Starbucks and a bunch of other restaurant chains that we can’t mention because they didn’t pay for this sweet product placement.

iPhone 6 - The sign of design. With you in mind.

Editorial: Hangover Diary

Hangover Diary
00:15. Leave Ian’s birthday party after stealing the clitoris of his vulva cake.
01:00. Go to bed extremely drunk after 2 drinks over 5 hours.
09:00. Receive snapchat from Ian - a picture of Ian hungover in a bus, captioned “hungover in a bus”.
10:00. Wake up by phone call from Mother. Answer in a series of variously tuned “mhmm”s. Mother gathered that I’m still asleep and makes plans to call back in an hour.

Your Weekly Combination Weather Report/ Horoscope

Monday
If your sign is Taurus, Leo, Aquarius, or Virgo: Sunny, High of 17. Increasing cloudiness in late afternoon with chance of showers into the overnight, low of 11.
If your sign is Aries, Gemini, Libra, Scorpio, Sagitarious, Capricorn, or Pisces: Cloudy with a chance of showers into the day, High of 11. Increasing sunniness into the overnight with a low of 17.
If your sign is Cancer, that is unfortunate, I hope everything works out ok.
Tuesday

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