Queen's Student Discovers Pythagorean Theorem

It was just an average trip to the grocery store, or so Hippasus - a student of Queen’s University - thought. Leaving his house located at Victoria and Princess Street with his shopping list in hand, he took the usual route: south to Brock Street, east to Barrie.

CAPS LOCK TOM Comes Back From The Grave

(Caretaker Bob is tending to his graveyard, scaping the land, and digging new graves. Suddenly, he is startled from behind by a loud sound)
CAPS LOCK TOM: WOOOOOO!
Caretaker Bob: (In a hushed tone) Shhh! People are mourning their loved ones who have since passed away.
CAPS LOCK TOM: I AM A GHOST! I AM BACK FROM THE DEAD. I WAS HIT BY A BUS OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY, BUT NOW I AM BACK. WOOOOOOOOOOO! I AM A GHOST
Caretaker Bob: What do you want?

Who will win the keg race?

Editorial: My Friend Is Too Layz

My friend Bob just called me to ask if he could come to Golden Words Pressnite with a Tupperware container to bring home some Rahim’s Cuisine leftovers. As I do not feel entitled to the complimentary refreshments for our staff, and as an obliged good friend, I couldn’t say no.

Editorial: Snapchat!

Since it took off about a year ago, many people I know (including myself - meta) have been using the popular app called Snapchat. For those of you who don’t know what snapchat is (hi Mom!), look it up, dumbass. If you think this is a newspaper for facts, you can get the fuck out.
Now that they’re all gone, I’ll continue. And by continue, I mean rant on about how Snapchat is an evil service that must be destroyed!

Queen's Journal: Trollophobic

In an uncharacteristically cruel twist on their usual inclusive drivel, the Queen’s Journal has shown its ugly side: a recently published article revealed deep veins of trollophobia. Anonymous online trolls, a sensitive, underrepresented minority among the student population, were reviled as “sadistic”, “psychopathic”, and even “narcissistic”, labels which were unjustly earned after one Journal reporter was probably made fun of by someone once.

Uninspired Students Produce Mediocre Work For A Non-Profit They Joined Only To Put Volunteering On Their Resume

Ermin Jones is one of several students who are a part of QDASORS (Queens Does All Sorts Of Random Shit). He is the Information Co-ordinator, one of several positions with fancy titles and little to no responsibility. What does he do? “I ensure that companies who actually bother to do background checks on volunteer organizations we co-ordinate, make up, or affiliate with, are not exposed as total bullshit. These days it’s easier to just have a minimal commitment to some sort of social justice, and it sure as hell beats bitching on Tumblr.

A Personal Welcome From Principal Daniel Woolf

Greetings and Salutations. As principal and vice-chancellor of Queen’s University, I would like to personally welcome you to Queen’s University. Queen’s has been a storied institution of higher learning since its founding in 1841 and you should be proud of yourself for be able to go to school here. Because, frankly kids, I’m going to level with you here a bit: things are not looking good.   

Editorial: Queen's is the Home for You

Trigger warning: This editorial casually mentions of things such as drug abuse, sex abuse, childhood abuse, and other kinds of depressing things.
It is heartwarming to see all the students back at Queen’s again. Such bright young minds all gathering in this beautiful university, working towards a better future. The days are warm enough for shorts and skirts, and the nights are just cool enough to make the purple GPAs seem weather appropriate. This is truly an inspiring and hopeful time of the year.

Pages

 
 
 

Are you angry at other people?