Report: Alistair Wants You To Wait Before You Sign The Lease

THE STUDENT GHETTO: To the surprise of nobody except you, Alistair Bateman, a 1st year prospective POLS major (and your future housemate), is not ready to sign the lease. After much deliberation, Alistair has decided it may be better to wait before any rash actions are taken. Unprompted, Alistair told interviewers “I’m just not sure that we should sign before doing our due diligence. Yes, all of us like the house, but what if we move in and realize we made a mistake?”

Proof That Jack Could Have Survived The Titanic

“You must do me this honour. Promise me you’ll survive. That you won’t give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise.” A great line in a movie that made us all cry, and if you didn’t cry then you’re dead inside. Speaking of death, you know who died for some bullshit reason? Jack in Titanic.

Reading the Signs: Dream Catz

Interpreting dreams is a practice as old as people have been having them. While it can be difficult to understand what it means when you dream about your best friend’s mom twerking on your face, fortune tellers and mediums find ways to help you make sense of your weird hormone-driven fantasies and get through puberty without feeling too ashamed afterwards. Totally not speaking from experience. Another societal phenomenon that is almost as relevant to the development of modern human psychology has been the domestication of cats because they’re cute and furry and lit af.

Tips for House Hunting Frosh

It’s that time of year again. The least magical time of year. The time of year that will see you face more rejection than you faced at your first high school dance. The time of year that will see you stay awake ‘till the wee hours of the morning with crippling panic attacks and turn you against your fellow students–It’s house hunting season. You’ve probably already found out that house hunting sucks. It sucks so so so much. You’ve been told that “you were great, but there was one other group that was better” and that “we’ll call you if the signing falls through”.

21 Average

Recently, rapper 21 Savage has reached popularity for his mediocre rap style, ability to not give a single care about anything, and his current world record attempt for longest time spent with eyes not fully open, closing in on Ben Carson’s current title. Due to this fame and the nature of society nowadays, people have now started impersonating him. There is already a rapper going by the name of 22 Savage.

Top 5 Weird-Al Songs To Have Sex To

1. Eat It

2. Trapped in the Drive Through

3. Albuquerque

4. Handy

5. Virus Alert

Calling All Scientists To Make a Change: Admit Neil Armstrong Was our First Alien

History, science, books, knowledge-brainiacs love this stuff. I get it guys, you love pushing the boundaries, getting stuff learned and learning it up! Same, totally, me too. But lately I have been struggling with the idea that some of my science-brain-brothers have been getting things mixed up.

Neil Armstrong along with 11 other people have all been on the moon and everyone’s all like “ooh what step for mankind” but I am not an idiot. Once a Being steps on a terrain outside their planet we all know that that makes them aliens.

How To Make Fake News And Overthrow Democracy and Journalism

Hey there folks! Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Golden Words! Last week, you saw lots of other text and words. This week, prepare for more of that, hopefully with more humour. But I mean who knows, I don’t read any of these articles before I put them in the paper–just here to make my money and get the fuck out. I leave principles to actual news organizations like Breitbart, and VICE. That’s right, I hate VICE. The documentaries are first year film assignments and it’s basically the left-wing version of Breitbart for people who check off travel as an interest in LinkedIn.

Two Classmates Share Subtle Nods Upon Realization That They Both Use Reddit

At 1:55pm on January 11th, two students sitting half-asleep in a MECH323 lecture formed an unbreakable bond after discovering that were both browsing popular social media platform Reddit. Dhamn Daniels was taking notes on gear design, particularly related to the addendum and dedendum circles on the gear teeth, when he decided to take a quick study break and check the recent updates on /r/hiphopheads, the hip-hop forum within Reddit.

Eng That Went High to Graphics Exam Regrets it After Getting Marks Back

As students come back from the break and marks start rolling in, many will be content with the work they put in over exams but others will be distraught with their lack of trying. Tim Thiggins, an Eng frosh falls into the latter category. After talking to his friends he was convinced that if he went high to his first year graphics exam he would ace it. He did not. Tim explains, “yeah man my buddy Nut was telling me that he toked up before the graphics midterm and was able to like visualize the shapes and shit and got like a 95 on it!

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