I Cannot Lie, I Like Big Butts

So there I am, sitting in Starbucks, pondering the big questions in life, waiting for my girlfriend to arrive and that’s when I came to an abrupt conclusion. My girlfriend doesn’t really fit the bill when it comes to me. Not in an ‘out of my league’ kind of way but more in a “she looks like a gentleman that raps’ girlfriend”. I am anything but a rapsmith, sure I’m 250 Lbs with abs of steel and the gaze of an Andalusian stallion, but I mean, her butt. It’s just so big, so round! So when she gave me a chance I had to jump on it.

Why I Decided to Stop Drinking

This is your favourite vaping Christian dad here, just checking in. After a rough weekend, I’ve decided to stop drinking altogether. This is not so much about health concerns as it is about just enjoying life to its fullest. From now on I will never drink anything again. I will not drink in social situations, I will not drink before going out, and I will certainly not drink alone. Even with a nice meal, I will not drink. Don’t worry though, I will never stop vaping. So, here are ten reasons why I decided to stop drinking:

The Dangers of Native Advertising

Native advertising: a term you probably heard three years ago and thought, “huh, that sounds boring.” Well let me be the first to tell you that yes, it is pretty boring but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be afraid - more afraid than that time when you were eight and your sibling turned off the lights while you were showering and started punching the curtains like a dickhead.

Top Five Weird Al Songs to Listen to After you Find Out Your Wife Has Been Cheating On You

1. Alimony

2. Angry White Boy Polka

3. A Complicated Song

4. I Can’t Watch This

5. I’m So Sick of You

Sam-I-Am-Not (Sure Why She Would Do This)

The Future of Energy

Stop investing in solar power, nuclear power, tidal power, power rangers and any other mambo-jambo bullshit all the ‘scientists’ are parading around as ‘the future of energy’. Lies. The future of energy lies within Queen’s University.

The Food-Ocalypse

As most engineers do when they have an upcoming quiz, assignment or midterm, I find myself contemplating the truly important aspects of life. Most of the time these things are completely stupid, like how I’m going to find a career after school or if I truly need an education to release my mix tape. Like I said useless stuff, well maybe not the mixtape idea that shits fire. Anyway, occasionally I experience an epiphany that will completely revolutionize the world.

Will This Article Get Published If I Am Not Banging the Editor!?!?

So it’s that time of year when the staff of Golden Words are replaced by equally unqualified individuals. Lately my articles have only been published because I was doing unspeakable things to one of the editors. My articles are not funny, lack creativity, and are generally too short to even bother publishing. Take this article for example. It is just shit. A straight trash article. Like I don’t even want to finish it. How am I going to write at least a page in word to make this a quarter page on the newspaper. This is some real inside info about how this newspaper is run.

What if Guy Fieri Played Dumbledore? : An Exerpt from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Harry made to speak again, but this time Guy Fieri raised his hand for silence, frowning slightly at the emerald liquid, evidently thinking hard. He said, finally, “This potion must act in a way that will prevent me taking the Horcrux. It might paralyze me, cause me to forget what I am here for, create so much pain I am distracted, or remove my ability to taste gangsta ass meals. This being the case, Harry, it will be your job to make sure I keep drinking, even if you have to tip the potion into my goatee guarded mouth. You understand, dude?”

Do You Hate It When Your Profs are Dumb? A Review.

Do you hate it when your profs are dumb? Ya, me too. Sometimes (always) I wonder where the heck my tuition goes. Last Saturday, i got my answer: it goes to the engsoc banquet! So many steaks and so much wine and so many little tasty appetizers and so many people and so many cameras and so many rented buses and so many rented venues. Nah I’m joking there was only one venue.

Queen's Arc Tim Hortons' Mistreatment Of Seagulls Has To Stop

On my way to Golden Words this Sunday afternoon I witnessed something so unimaginable that I had to write about it - a tragedy was occurring on the pathway between Douglas Library and Ontario Hall. I initially thought it was just two seagulls on the sidewalk trying to stay nourished - one of them was picking at a whole-wheat bun. But then I saw what the other seagull was attempting to digest: An entire Tim Hortons™ Crispy Chicken® Patty. A bird eating another fellow bird is essentially a perfect example of zoological cannibalism - and it needs to stop.