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Candy's Corner - Advice From A 50 Year Old

Hi everybody, my name is Candice Fish! I was born before Woodstock, been married 5 different times (to the same man?!) and had a few dates. I started out giving advice to underaged little people in the 80’s because they respected my outside opinion and I then moved to the Clinton administration where I adopted the pseudonym ‘Monica Lewinsky’ for my successful White House Advice Column. It didn’t last long cause some office politics were put in the wrong place and I had to step down.

The Six Most Inspiring Lin-Manuel Miranda Quotes

“My grandfather was very sick, he was bedridden by his disease.The power went out in his house so we all came by, and lit some candles around his room so he could still see. It just so happened that he passed away while we were all there, and the moment he died all the candles went out. So yeah, like I don’t believe in ghosts but I definitely think there was something supernatural going on there.”
- When asked about his views on North Korea

CP Enthusiast

CP stands for Club Penguin not Child Porn by the way, for all of you with dirty minds out there. Moving on to the article now.

There’s a long running debate as to what is the best game ever, today I end this debate as Club Penguin is the winner. First thing’s first: add me on Club Penguin my name’s SwagMan2002. I have an igloo with 6 puffles and I host sick bangers all the time. Make sure to Tilt before you come though.

Top Five Weird Al Songs to Listen to at Your Wedding

1. eBay

2. Dare to be Stupid

3. Fat

4. Pretty Fly for a Rabbi (Rabbi Goldstein will love this one)

5. Tacky

Sam-I-Am-Not-(Disappointed with Rabbi Goldstein’s Dance Moves)

A REVIEW OF JORDAN PEELE’S “GET OUT (of my swamp)”

“The movie is a marvelous fairy tale, with a thrilling quest and a happily-ever-after ending. Get Out has the great themes of enduring myths, about believing in yourself, being loved for the person you really are, and good triumphing over evil. It is also a delicious satire, tweaking all of our assumptions about ogres, princesses, rescues, and even fire-breathing dragons. The voice talents of Mike Myers (as the Scottish-burred Shrek), Eddie Murphy (as Donkey the talking donkey), Cameron Diaz (as Princess Fiona), and John Lithgow (as Farquaad) are all perfect.

Some Alright Haikus on the Alright Love You Can Find at Alright Clubs

I believe in love
In the bar and at the club
It’s there in the hub

Girls put on your heels
Boys get lit, walk on over
Sun, snow, rain, or hail

Got to make it out
Skip the line, don’t pay cover
Pretend you’re hub staff

Walk into the club
With at least a couple friends
And start having fun

Buy a drink or three
Get the cheapest one and tip
Bartender’s hot (nice?)

Check out the dance floor
Lock eyes with girl/boy/other
Make your way over

Five Signs The Guy You’re Seeing Has A Fear of Commitment

He says that the film “The Shawshank Redemption” reminds him of you.

When you watch The Shawshank Redemption with your man, does he constantly make parallels between your relationship and the plight of Andy Dufresne? If so, that’s a red flag - he might feel that spending time with you is like serving a 25-to-life sentence on a murder charge. It’s not for certain - you may just bare a resemblance to Morgan Freeman or Bob Gunton. If you don’t, however, he may be hesitant to devote himself to you.

The only time he’ll sit near you is when an ejector seat is available.

A Very Special and Saucy Set of Valentine's Day Horoscopes

Aries

Your red hot, sexual rampage will come to a grinding halt when a gypsy will put a curse rendering you sexually impotent. Why you ask? She did this on behalf of all of your vengeful ex lovers and you’re about to learn some wholesome life lessons. This month, look into community service and anti-hexes to reverse the curse. Also, you’ll fall in love with a platonic mundane looking friend after seeing them for who they actually are

Taurus

A Guide On How To Organize The Most Romantic Valentine's Day Ever Written by Someone Who is Woefully Unqualified to Offer Romantic Advice

It’s the big day, that one night of the year when all those couples break out of their midwinter slumps and start going at it like a pack of horny gazelles. All your friends seem to be in relationships (except for Derrick, lol), and you’re still looking for love. Well, not looking- you’ve got someone in mind. She’s perfect: long blonde hair, has good handwriting, can see out of both eyes- really just top notch stuff. Or if you’re a girl, he’s got a nice butt and stuff (I don’t know, might as well pander to both sides).

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