Things to Send Your Crush That Say "I'm Always Watching You"

We live in exciting times. What makes the times we live in exciting is that you no longer need expertise or experience in order to provide an opinion or advice on something. For some people that something is religion, for an annoyingly large fucking number of people (certain heads of state included) that something is politics, and for me that something is romance. Now since this is only a widely distributed newspaper available publicly to anyone with the misfortune to pick it up I feel like I can be honest with you, our cherished readers. I have no idea how to romance.

If Masturbation Counts as Having Sex Then I Have a Greater Kill Count Than Josef Stalin

Grab a bottle of lotion, a fistful of Kleenex® and let me whisk you away for the next 2 minutes of your morous moronic existence as you read this ‘article’. I have sex every day ever. That is a fact. Sometimes i’ll even have sex two times in a day. With whom you ask? Lela, Shyla, Shy, Alexis, Addison, Mark (once), Kyla, Teresa, Fido (once), Christina and the list keeps going. Sometimes people get worried that i’ll get sexually transmitted diseases and so am I, but I always use protection - private browsing.

Polish off Your Vday Vibes

Okay Ladies and Gentlemen who are so alone it hurts sometimes, I am here to help. I’m sure you’ve read all sorts of articles about what to wear, how to style the rat’s nest that is your hair and all sorts of tips and tricks to finally, maybe for once, have a date on the biggest, most important holiday of the year. Obviously this is not working because you are single as shit, or there is something fundamentally wrong with you. I’ve got some new shit for you though. I’m going to briefly bring your attention to your most overlooked appendages.

5 Bad Things That Happened to A Good Person Like Me

I saw my ex-boyfriend getting a haircut from the JDUC Tim Horton’s lineup and I was too committed to my steeped tea to leave the line

Top 7 Alt-Right Hotties with Bodies

Hey cutie, Valentine’s Day got you down? Feel like there’s an impenetrable wall around your heart? Being alone feels badmon. If you don’t have a bae this Valentine’s day, or they’re just straight up not allowed to enter the country anymore, we’ve got you your back. No cuckservatives, no whiny libtards, and definitely no betas here - only the realest, purest, waspiest wasps we could find at the bottom of the swamp. Here are 7 alt right machismo men that will deport your wintertime blues back Islamastan.

Steve Bannon

Reading Week Packing List

With reading week right around the corner, it’s time to start packing for your vacation down south! We at golden words took the liberty of making this list of some cool and fun essential items to bring. Don’t worry about packing your standards or your dignity, those will also be on vacation.

Sunscreen: Since you live in Kingston, there’s no doubt in our mind that your skin is paler than Michael Jackson in 2011. Slap on some sunscreen so you don’t end up coming back as red as Mr. Krabs and crusty like my favorite rock sock (Krusty Krab :P).

How to Pretend You’re Becoming a Better Person Without Actually Changing Anything

As New Year’s Resolutions continue to be forgotten like those dumbbells you swore you would use everyday before bed, a new, beautiful opportunity approaches us. No, it’s not ‘Roll up the Rim’, it’s Lent. For all you Christians out there, or anyone else, hello shalom, we don’t discriminate. The beautiful season of Lent is coming, March 1st to be specific. Here comes a time when people excitedly declare they will be giving up chocolate for forty days. Then, about 8 hours in they realize forty days is a really fucking long time.

A Guide to Not Getting Involved In Facebook Arguments

Writing comments on Facebook about why Syrian refugees are, in fact, people and not poisoned skittles or peanuts may seem like a heroic way to spend your time. You may be the kind of person who thinks this will make you feel better, or in some way improve your life. This would be wrong. The key to living a healthy lifestyle is avoiding these internet debates at all costs, for the sake of your own mental well-being and the protection of your soul. Below are some useful tips for helping you avoid Facebook arguments.

How to Master the DIY Threesome

So you’re all alone on a Thursday night with nothing but a package of mini cucumbers and a thirst for adventure- it’s time to get a little freaky. You’re not just looking for love, you’re looking for love from two different people like a mustachioed porn star from the 80’s. Class is in session boys and girls and the lesson plan is fresh off the photocopier: how to absolutely master the ancient art of the threesome, all by yourself.

Realistic New Year’s Resolutions

At about this time of year, resolutions are slowly becoming the fuel to our sadness as we watch them all fail. Miserably. Sorry, too real? Forgot the genre of this newspaper for a second there. Well, to cheer you all up I have prepared a list of realistic resolutions that you couldn’t possibly give up on.

1. Breathing!

If you’re looking for a 100% chance of staying with your resolution and you don’t plan on fucking dying, then this one will surely not let you down!

2. Making a list of resolutions