Stats Show Bottle Flipping And Rapping Hot Bars Makes People Think Your D is Bigger

We here at Golden Words are really into bottle flipping. Obviously, we are all secretly incredibly well-endowed. So science shows a correlation between obsessive bottle flipping and public perception of penile girth and length. All evidence points to how this is a straight fact of nature, as indisputable as Newton’s laws of motion or the fact that when you make milkshakes, boys WILL come to your yard.

Where Are They Now? The Cast of Archie Comics

Y’all remember Archie comics? That was lit dude. To me there’s nothing more interesting than reading about the lives of like 10 high schoolers perpetually trapped in grade 12 forever and forced to live through the monotony of going to yet another school dance, having 2 dates booked in one night, or that one time Archie Andrews got shot in the stomach and died. That actually happened, look that up. He jumped in front of his friend Kevin, who’s a senator, took a bullet for him and died. Why couldn’t they have killed Dilton? That kid sucks.

An Ode to the Idiots That Block my View of the Mirror at the Gym

If I could run across the beach
Into my own arms,
I would.
My view of myself is the most important thing in this room right now
So can you move two inches to the left?
You have no social awareness that you’re blocking my vision
You’re really ruining this for me:

The Secret Society that is “Physical Plant Services”

Whether you are a frosh in Fine Arts or a grad student in Physics, you’ve seen them. Lurking from the shadows, the Physical Plant Services wait in their over priced, chromed-out Ford F-250’s. Now you may not have paid much attention to them but hey, what do they actually do? They avoid suspicion from the public eye by occasionally doing legitimate work like mowing the lawn twice a year and plowing the snow 48 hours after it has fallen. However, we planted an undercover reporter with them for the last year and a half to help us uncover the truth.

Life after Love: Relationship Advice from Gorgon the Skull Crusher

Looking for love? Falling out of it? Just need some d? Hi, I’m Gorgon the Skull Crusher, PhD in psychotherapy, Destroyer of Zartan and an ear for listening to all of your problems. Growing up, I served as a commander of the Zartanian militia, tearing the limbs off my enemies, drinking the blood of my victims. During my tours in the Karlaxic nebula, I took an online course from the University of Phoenix in psychology and learned so much about myself and how I treated those I cared about.

Things To Put In Your Gym Bag When You’re Not At The Gym

Face it, you are a gym rat. You can bench four small children, curl a bowling ball with just your pinky finger and are so huge you can’t fit through most doorways walking forwards or wipe your ass. (You’re so intimidating you get pure Mathematics students to do that for you.) You consume more pre-workout than an townie consumes crystal meth. You own at least 2 pairs of Oakley’s: one of which is a full wrap-around and the other has polarized and reflective reddish lenses.

5 Signs That Your Professor is Actually Joe Biden

1) If your professor makes an offhand comment about being out of a job next January, and feeling that his replacement is unqualified.

Really, this could describe a lot of people. But it’s worth noting that the presidential term ends next January, and Joe Biden will be replaced by Mike Pence, a man whose qualifications are considered questionable by some.

2) If, in the middle of their lecture, your professor tells an anecdote involving them and a friend from work named Barack Obama.

How I Could Take On A Cougar in Cage Match to the Death 4/10 Times

You’re in the deep, dark, moist Amazonian jungle with only your wits, a loin cloth and your iPhone 6S by your side. You been traversing the thick foliage for days, taking on a terrain more confusing than a Bengalese dessert menu, a bead of sweat forming on your brow. You take a deep breath, smelling the fresh animal poop from various birds, lizards and small mammals (seriously consider the amount of uncleaned poop there is in the wild, it’s more than you think). But wait: you’re not alone.

Life Hacks for Creative Wacks

The internet makes up the vital foundation for every aspect of our technological society. Whether it’s your online banking, sharing nuclear launch codes or getting some porn to masturbate to, the internet makes it possible. So what happens when your router stops working? Fret not, for while your banking and nuclear launch codes will have to wait, fap time will thankfully not. So grab your lotions and get ready to rub, because in this article you will find a plethora of different ways to entertain yourself without the need for PornHub or other such pornographic outlets.

Celebrating the 350th Anniversary of Queen’s - a Sci ‘95s Perspective

What a momentous year for Queen’s University at Kingston upon Earth. As a newly enrolled frosh hailing from the colonies of Tranquility Basin, northern continent of Mars, I am proud to be a student at this venerable institution with its staggering 350 years of history. From viewing the historical holodeck presentation, and the absurdly primitive digital light emission screens in the old museum, I believe the Sesquarcentennial Tricolour Celebrational All Integrated Hive Mind Committee (STCAIHMC better know as Sasquatch) have truly outdone themselves.