Unlike Catholicism, we Jews do not get freed from guilty in a confessional booth. In fact, the whole basis of our existence is that we are marinating with guilt until we die. And we don’t even get a heaven to go to upon said death. To relieve myself of 20 years of accumulating guilt, I issue the following apologies.
When I was 15 on a high school ski trip, I thought it would be funny to swing my ski poles like light sabres down the hill. I hit a snowboarder and I feel I owe her an apology for my literal hit-and-run. Almost 6 years later, I hope you can forgive me.