Aleppo? A defence of Gary Johnson

So recent presidential candidate Gary “What is Aleppo” Johnson was recently scorched in the media for not knowing what Aleppo is. While many may agree with them, I think that the media just have a big ol’ rage boner from the amount of unbelievable shenanigans that has been caused by the utter incompetence of the candidates this election. This provided an outlet for them to dump their rage-filled load. It’s not like he’s running for President of Aleppo, why should he know what it is?

ELI5: The Fall Term Break

The fall term break: loved by some, hated by engineers. It’s a divisive topic among the only faculty with a legit orientation week. With more sides than a twenty sided die (so twenty-one sides), I’d like to give little top to bottom explanation of what we’re talking about here – Like the inside cover of a Malcolm Gladwell book, I’m about to blow your mind without actually making a point.

The Official List of People Who Would Be Better Presidential Candidates Than the Actual Presidential Candidates

Greg the Stockboy

Greg’s always at work on time. Greg’s always nice. Greg never gets angry. Greg’s also great on foreign policy, is passionate about campaign finance reform, and is determined to close down Guantanamo.

Edward Scissorhands

Facts About Queen’s That Will SHOCK YOU If You’re Easily Surprised

1) Queen’s University can be found in Kingston, Ontario – home of the world-renowned baseball team “The KP Saints” (this is real).
2) Queen’s University was named to honour Mary, Queen of Scotts – the only surviving legitimate child of King James V of Scotland.
3) Queen’s has given honourary degrees to many notable figures, such as Franklin D. Roosevelt, Gordon Downie, and Carlos Bustamante – Host of YTV’s The Zone.
4) Grant Hall was funded entirely by students using GoFundMe.com.

A List of Apologies I Owe

Unlike Catholicism, we Jews do not get freed from guilty in a confessional booth. In fact, the whole basis of our existence is that we are marinating with guilt until we die. And we don’t even get a heaven to go to upon said death. To relieve myself of 20 years of accumulating guilt, I issue the following apologies.

When I was 15 on a high school ski trip, I thought it would be funny to swing my ski poles like light sabres down the hill. I hit a snowboarder and I feel I owe her an apology for my literal hit-and-run. Almost 6 years later, I hope you can forgive me.

Obama’s 2016 Election Day Schedule

12:00 am — The president sleeps restlessly
2:04 am — The president sits up violently after awaking from a nightmare in which Donald Trump burned his house down in the night. He wipes the cold sweat from his brow.
2:48 am — Recognizing that sleep is unlikely, the President picks up the red phone next to his bed and orders a strawberry milkshake over room service.
3:12 am — The president sheds a quiet tear.
4:15 am — The presidential alarm goes off, the president groans.

Why Every Girl Should Own A Hillary Clinton Pantsuit

The American election has taken over everything. From memes to news to Saturday Night Live, who will probably go into shock when they have to actually start writing sketches again. Unfortunately the election season is almost over, but the Hillary pantsuit will never die. Here are the reasons why every girl should own their own signature Hillary Clinton pantsuit.

Automatically earns you your own private email server

Pizza Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 - April 20)
You are pretentious, you think you know everything and brag about how you once met a member of the UN. You also roll your r’s even though you aren’t historically from somewhere that does that.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
You’re lazy as fuck, quit begging for free money and four-hour work days. You don’t even work, quit dragging down the financial status of the EU through bailouts please.

12 Reasons Why the AMS is A Lie Put On By The Freemasons

Open your eyeholes. Every minute that passes, the AMS is out there, plotting away as we sit, mindlessly learning. I’m about to toss up a salad of knowledge with some thousand-truth’s dressing: The AMS is a lie. It’s a collective hallucination, a shadow organization hiding the real syndicate that controls Queens. Life isn’t black and white honey, it’s a rainbow-- I’ve seen the light and it’s burns, but it burns so good. You don’t believe me, no you don’t want to. It’s all too much. The AMS: it was your friend, your confidant, your on and off lover. Now you don’t know what it is.

2016 is Almost Over, What Else Could Possibly go Wrong?

There seems to be an overall consensus that 2016 has been a pretty awful year. In case you’ve not really been paying attention here’s the sparknotes version of what’s happened.