DEANte’s Inferno - The 9 Circles of Eng

It’s 10:30 pm. You are attempting to complete ILCBO with only 2 of your friends over the Halloweekend. Being your average unprepared to students, you didn’t manage to find any hard liquor besides Kraken (47% alcohol, 100% a bad time). Working from top to bottom, your small group manages to crush the 3rd floor in under ten minutes. The second floor is where shit starts to get messy. The event begins to turn into less of a recreational activity and more into a drunken chore, as each room full of late-night ILC grinders express more and more concern for your well-being.

How Shallow Are You?

As you begrudgingly make your way through the remaining weeks studying, drinking and most of all procrastinating, why don’t you take a couple minutes to consider the following.

Imagine your perfect man or women, depending on your preference. When I say perfect I mean perfect: great hair, perfect figure, for the ladies just the right height and masculinity, for the men the ideal bosom and behind. They even like the shit that makes you question your humanity, like your fetish with Christmas tree porn (yes it’s a thing, don’t ask how I know).

The Guaranteed Way to Cure Pre-Mortem Depression!

Here’s a jarring fact: upwards of 95% of all people ever will die. Shocking, I know, but believe me when I say there are bigger fish to fry. Like CoD. Man I love Call of Duty, kill some zombies and Russians and shit. How could anyone be depressed when stuff like that exists? Well I’ll tell you: I don’t know. What I will tell you is that depression affects approximately 6.7 percent of US citizens in a year! That’s like 235,000 Canadians a year, which really isn’t that many.

Dear Golden Words, Thank You for Affording Me the Opportunity to Write A Printed Article About My Favourite Nickelback Song

Often us literary types at Golden Words will scramble to assemble a vestigial combination of words that prove not only that they are in possession of a thesaurus, but that they will convolute a sentence past the point of comprehensibility in order to extend their word count. In layman’s terms, I am done fuuuuuuuucked for ideas this week. Now I know this doesn’t concern you, the reader (nice brag about literacy dick), however it’s worth prefacing that this article will absolutely diminish from the finite time you have left on this conscious plane.

10 Things to Expect When Dating An Engineer

We’ve all done it. Against better judgement, the shining glare of the purple GPA brings you in. And once you’re in, that’s it. Welcome to the world of things you’ll never understand and yet a world you’ll never leave. So if you can’t resist (like me) keep in mind the following things to hopefully help you navigate the bizarre, unpredictable and straight fucked up waters of dating an engineer.

A Message to all Dirty Housemates

Contrary to popular belief there is not a tiny wizard living under the sink who magically cleans the pots and wipes the counters. But lucky you I am going to share a couple spells that keeps the kitchen spotless and calms angry housemates

Spell# 1

AlakaPans- You know that awesome time when your foods cooking and that shit smells good but you’re at a loss for how to spend the time? Here’s a tip, stop lurking Facebook and take the time to wash your pans and other utensils you’ve finished using. girls love a guy with a clean utensil, “wink wink nudge nudge”


The Golden Words Guide On HOW TO WHISPER in Lectures

Listen here. We go to one of the finest universities in a country that is pretty great. I know that at Queen’s sometimes a horse will get slapped or we’ll let a gender studies student get a degree and pretend that they’ve graduated, but overall I’d like to think that we can hold our heads high and rest assured that we go to a great school. This is a school that has produced Governors General, Rhodes Scholars, and a fucking Nobel Laureate. Despite all of this.

All 99 of Jay Z’s Problems

In 2003, rapper and father Jason Zed (commonly known as Jay Z) stated in that he has ‘99 problems and that a bitch was not involved in any of said problems’. This brash statement was shrugged off as mere speculation at the time, but a woman with an ‘Empire State of Mind’ recently broke into Jay Z’s Brooklyn mansion and made off with many of his classified documents. One such document details every single problem Jay Z was having. I was privileged enough to to take a gander at the list and thanks to my photographic phone’s memory, I can share them with you all!

Successul Breeding Experiments By Dr. Oetker Creates World’s First Pizzaburger Hot Dog

After a ten year period of research, eugenics and culinary abuse, scientists at D. Oetker’s R&D division have finally succeeded creating the messiah of modern dishes: the pizzaburger hotdog. Not a decade ago, this was science fiction. The biotech world had only scratched the surface of fruit gushers and cinnamon toast crunch- we were like children, ignorantly mixing flavors and textures, making such simple creations. No one could have ever imagined what the future would hold.