Authors - Naked Mole Rat

Golden Words DIY: Build Your Own Degree - A Retrospective

(or, a fourth year meditates on the encroaching light at the end of the tunnel that likely leads to Starbucks)

Alright, so you’ve never been to university but you want a University degree without having to drop the GDP of a small island nation on tuition. Here’s how to do it!

Ingredients:

A Gratuitous, Unnecessary Goodbye

Whoa, where the hell am I?! What’s going on? Last thing I remember I was falling asleep in DEVS 100 to the sultry tones of socialism courtesy of Dr. Richard Day and now...hang on IT’S 2016?! Is Justin Bieber dead in his own piss bucket? How are President Romney’s re-election prospects looking? Are we all Gangnam-Styling on the moon?

Ok, let’s get a sense of my surroundings. I’m in a dusty office above...Clark Hall? Is this Golden Words? AM I A WRITER FOR GOLDEN WORDS?

Budget Concious Student Film Festival Settles for Blood-Stained White Carpet Premiere

This past week Kingston played host to the 15th Annual Queen’s University Emerging Entertainers Film Festival, which was a resounding success despite facing significant budget cuts this year. This forced them to come up with innovative low budget solutions, including a gala premiere that went back to basics with a Blood Stained White Carpet. 

Troubling Report Finds Dads Now Ignore Their Kids using Tablet Rather than Newspaper

    A new survey released by the Pew Research Center revealed that a staggering 70% of dads have switched to digital means to ignore their children with. When asked if they still read a daily print newspaper instead of spending quality time with their children, only 13% said yes, while tablets represent the overwhelmingly favourable choice. Factoring in all mobile devices, this number lept to 85%. 2% of respondents said that they did not ignore their children, but no one gives a shit about those goody-goody bastards anyway.

That House is Burning Because they Played my Mixtape, Not because I’m a Serial Arsonist

You know what they say - if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen! Good thing that family heeded those words because, another twenty seconds and they would have been literal toast. But like the gross kind of toast that no one eats. It’s somehow burnt to a crisp and yet still able to absorb moisture, thus becoming soggy. Oh and also they’re burnt to a crisp. And dead. 

Queen’s Student Constables and Golden Words United... to Make a Fundraiser

The score is a bazillion to 0. The general populace of Queen’s against one of the most necessary and practical services on Campus and the Queen’s Student Constables. After such a bitter defeat, we put our heads together with everyone’s favourite party poopers to think of ways we could find some way out of our financial struggles. 

Bitter Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 - April 20 (420 blazeeee whattttt!))

Help Me Out, Sean Penn!

Dude,
I’m in a real tight spot here, bud. Was wondering if you might be able to come out here and bail me out?
It’s nothing major, just a little bit of trouble. Nothing to bother El Chapo about. Nice job with that by the way. But yeah, anyway, if you wouldn’t mind hitting up Rolling Stone and seeing if they’ll finance another “investigative interview” into the jungles of Burma. Again, no big deal. If you want. But please. A man can only eat so much gruel.

Golden Wordstradamus

In the aftermath of the Justin Beiber Disaster two weeks ago, we at Golden Words released a light-hearted parody on the cover depicting a second Beiber night that was full of chaos and riots. It was a hoot. However, we did not realize at the time that this would be a sign that we can predict the future, because, evidently, the Underground has decided to host Beiber Night 2.0 this past Tuesday. Therefore, we are all seeing Gods. Here are some more predictions. 

I’m not Sexist- I don’t See Sex

These days people are constantly talking about sexism and how it is affecting women and men everywhere. This is obviously a prevalent issue in our society that trickles down through all layers of society. Now, a century since women’s suffrage movement swept accross the Western world, women continue to face systematic disadvantages. However, I have been able to avoid this issue my entire life, simply because I do not see sex. Instead:                                    

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