Issue 16

Kindergarten Careers

Cody's Comic 5116

How I Met My Wife

Cover 5116

Missing Persons Notice: Justin Trudeau

Dear readers, in this time of political instability it is my unfortunate burden to add only more tinder on the already burning pyre. As most Canadians are aware, our current Prime Minister is none other than the frat lord himself, Justin Trudeau. But what most people might not know is that our fearless leader is hiding a special talent, the likes of which have never been seen before. Some of you may have seen evidence of this ability before: deep in the annals of Youtube if one is true enough, they can find glorious proof of our Prime Minister’s true power.

A Man’s Guide to Dealing with Diurnal Emissions

We’ve all been ‘there’–It’s 12:15 pm on a Wednesday and you’re rushing to class like you’re about to ejaculate in your pants, except this time you actually are. According to Consumer Health Digest, approximately 83% of all men will experience a nocturnal emission in their lives. But what people don’t know is that men also suffer diurnal emissions–wet daydreams. While there are no hard statistics, there is a soft estimate that 16% of men suffer from it.

Leonard Hall To Add Hair In Every Meal To Meet Protein Requirements

Citing a lack of protein in cafeteria meals, Queen’s Hospitality services announced it will begin intentionally placing hair in all dishes served at Leonard Hall. Previous policy was to simply not remove hair that fell into food. Student will now be expected donate small amounts of hair upon entering Leonard to meet demand. Queen’s Hospitality Services has reportedly been contacting local hair salons for donations.

He Who Lives In A Pineapple Under The Sea

At first glance the Krusty Krab appears to be a friendly, if unclean establishment. However, on closer inspection it is rife with child labour and employment law violations. Eugene M. Krabs, an ex-naval officer with a lust for riches and a penchant for abuse, has set up one of the most exploitative and brutal institutions in all of Bikini Bottom.

Students Propose turning Stauffer Library into Actual Nightclub

QUEEN’S UNIVERSITY, KINGSTON: Saturday saw the revelation that one AMS executive team in the current election intends to turn The Underground into a study space for half of every week. Citing the need for increased study space, the proposal suggests using The Underground as a library from Sunday to Wednesday.

Local Old Folks Home Trying New “Unplug” Policy To Save Energy

Saint Catherine’s Home for the Wrinkly and Unwanted has taken on a new environmentally friendly initiative this past week. Aptly named “Unplugged”, the in-home staff have been instructed to disconnect phone chargers, laptop cords and life support systems in order to reduce their carbon footprint. “It’s really a great thing we’re doing here. There’s this peace of mind you get from this sort of ecological responsibility” said Gary Busey, an attendant at the facility.

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