Issue 18

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How to Pretend You’re Becoming a Better Person Without Actually Changing Anything

As New Year’s Resolutions continue to be forgotten like those dumbbells you swore you would use everyday before bed, a new, beautiful opportunity approaches us. No, it’s not ‘Roll up the Rim’, it’s Lent. For all you Christians out there, or anyone else, hello shalom, we don’t discriminate. The beautiful season of Lent is coming, March 1st to be specific. Here comes a time when people excitedly declare they will be giving up chocolate for forty days. Then, about 8 hours in they realize forty days is a really fucking long time.

A Guide to Not Getting Involved In Facebook Arguments

Writing comments on Facebook about why Syrian refugees are, in fact, people and not poisoned skittles or peanuts may seem like a heroic way to spend your time. You may be the kind of person who thinks this will make you feel better, or in some way improve your life. This would be wrong. The key to living a healthy lifestyle is avoiding these internet debates at all costs, for the sake of your own mental well-being and the protection of your soul. Below are some useful tips for helping you avoid Facebook arguments.

3-Year-Old Gets Mistaken as KCVI Student Gets Mistaken as Queen's Student at Convocation

As the sweet sounds of bagpipes ruffled through Grant Hall during Fall Convocation and the graduates started lining up, all seemed to be going well. But little did anyone know, Jehovah Wilkins, a 3-year-old student at the Bright Sunshine Daycare accidentally stumbled into the ceremony and got confused as a KCVI student and hence a fourth year Queen’s student. No one involved in the convocation noticed the lone straggler and everything proceeded normally.

How to Master the DIY Threesome

So you’re all alone on a Thursday night with nothing but a package of mini cucumbers and a thirst for adventure- it’s time to get a little freaky. You’re not just looking for love, you’re looking for love from two different people like a mustachioed porn star from the 80’s. Class is in session boys and girls and the lesson plan is fresh off the photocopier: how to absolutely master the ancient art of the threesome, all by yourself.

Massacre at Local Lawnbowling Club

Kingston Lawn Bowling Club- Local senior citizens were treated to a thrashing as visiting Belleville Lawn Bowling Club defeated Kingston Lawn Bowling Club 31 bowls to 2. The team of Rick Wellsford, Sarah Stewart, David Pena bowled a near flawless game to upset the updated home team roster of Sean Bitter, Kellyanne Oldman and Donald Goldschmidt. Local fans say they were shocked when the home team repeatedly tried repositioning their balls after poor throws. Referee Angus Cottrell was forced to intervene on several occasions to restore order to the game, citing “foul-play”.

Realistic New Year’s Resolutions

At about this time of year, resolutions are slowly becoming the fuel to our sadness as we watch them all fail. Miserably. Sorry, too real? Forgot the genre of this newspaper for a second there. Well, to cheer you all up I have prepared a list of realistic resolutions that you couldn’t possibly give up on.

1. Breathing!

If you’re looking for a 100% chance of staying with your resolution and you don’t plan on fucking dying, then this one will surely not let you down!

2. Making a list of resolutions

If Ryan Gosling is a Bird, I'm More Like a Fugly Vole

**NOTEBOOK SPOILER**

OK - so I started writing this article under the assumption that most people have seen the most raved about rom-com on this side of the world: The Notebook. For those who haven’t, there is a scene in which Ryan Gosling harnesses the power of his love to turn himself into a majestic bird that fights crime with a laser made of his physical affection for his true love, Regina George. Trust me - watch this movie.

**END SPOILER**

Dean Woodhouse’s 2017 Executive Orders

This Winter 2017 semester has seen unprecedented action on the part of the Queen’s Dean of Engineering. She has been acclaimed by many for her energy and her relentlessness, while condemned by some for her innovative ideas. However, it is undisputable that unlike many previous Deans, she has accomplished what she has said she would when she was campaigning to become Dean of Engineering, and much more.

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