Issue 19

Queen’s Concrete Toboggan

Tips for House Hunting Frosh

It’s that time of year again. The least magical time of year. The time of year that will see you face more rejection than you faced at your first high school dance. The time of year that will see you stay awake ‘till the wee hours of the morning with crippling panic attacks and turn you against your fellow students–It’s house hunting season. You’ve probably already found out that house hunting sucks. It sucks so so so much. You’ve been told that “you were great, but there was one other group that was better” and that “we’ll call you if the signing falls through”.

Valentines Cards

MAKE QUEEN'S GREAT AGAIN

The following transcript is from a speech delivered by Donald Trump to the Young Republicans of Kingston Organisation.
Hello students. Let me just say that I love Queen’s. It’s a great place. One of the greatest places in the world.  I know because I’ve been there. In fact I am standing here right now.

Kingston Squirrels working for ISIS??

    The next wave of radical islamic terrorism has arrived.  It weighs three pounds, has a furry tail, and possesses no concept of morality.  It is the ultimate killing machine.  It is the Kingston squirrel.  I may have no evidence for this claim, but here at Golden Fox News we don’t deal in evidence, we deal in the first erroneous claim that comes to our heads and I think I’m onto something with this one.

Global Warming Myths!

In recent years, there has been a lot of discussion about this controversial probably untrue issue, so we at Golden Fox News felt that we needed to clarify a few things about this so-called myth. As you know, we pride ourselves in our unbiased presentation of the facts– that we gathered ourselves from a very credible team of well paid scientists–to bring you the truth about Global Warming. 
Myth: Human activities have caused carbon dioxide emissions to increase dramatically.

Guest Ed: Oregon Militia

Welcome one, welcome all, to Fox News presenting Golden Words. As you may now know, the classic fiscal mismanagement of doddering liberals at Queen’s University in general and Golden Words in particular has led to some financial distress on the part of Canada’s other National Newspaper. We at Fox Corporation saw the value of some good old fashioned corporate buyouts to teach you students a lesson on the untamed jungle that is the free market, we have bought out Golden Words.

Damn Millennials Get Off My Lawn!

Due to our funding issues we’ve been getting a lot of letters of concern, many people offering us their quarters, though if they had thought to do that earlier we wouldn’t have been in this mess. Since our switch to the hands of evil (AKA Fox News) we’ve also been getting a disproportionate amount of letters to the editor about ‘those damn kids and their fun’ specifically targeting the millennial generation and their downfalls.

Women: What are they hiding in their Vaginas? Is it Guns? It Must Be Guns. a Special Report

Women. Wimmin. Womyn. Without Men. The original temptress. Adam’s ol’ ball and chain. The unt-pire to men’s baseball game of life. But behind this labyrinthine enigma of mystery lies another puzzle. Their vaginas. More like vagin-UGH, amirite fellas?
Besides being a portal from God’s conception to our blessed world, what do they do for the rest of the day? Are they pagan blood-shed vestibules or do they harbour man’s greatest invention and gift to the world: GUNS?! 

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