Issue 19

Breeding Week

Top 5 Hallmark Holidays in February

Every year February goes by the same way, Valentines Day, Family Day, National Grapefruit Month, etc. This year, Hallmark has decided to branch out and bring back some long forgotten holidays. Here are their top 5:

5. Defender of the Fatherland Day - 23rd
Started in 1981, word is out that a certain world leader is planning a big event for this year. After all, nothing says celebrate more than defending our lovely fatherland from the vicious Westerners.

4. Paternalia - Week of the 13th

Valentinder Day

Hey, guess what? It’s Valentine’s Day on Saturday! And even though you forgot to get a girlfriend for the 19th year in a row, you can still enjoy the most loving holiday of the year. It’s at this time of the year where tinder registrations match those exponential graphs you've seen in math class. Those graphs are also a very accurate model of how many times you’ve masturbated per day leading up to Vday. You'll most likely sign up for Tinder in a moment of weakness stemming from your inability to successfully manage a functional relationship with the guy or girl you fancy.

Violent Snowfight at Nixon Field: Evil Power Haunted Queen’s

February 8, 2015 was deemed a tragic day to be remembered heavily by all Canadians, and of course, all North Americans and the entire human race. It was the day when the mysterious plague of violence reached the peaceful Eden on Earth, Queen’s University, and quickly turned its noble residences into a bunch of bloodthirsty monsters. I mean, seriously! Dude, how can it hurt like such a bitch to be hit by a fucking snowball! Ouch, hey, stop it you monsters! I’m just trying to get over to Golden Words’ office, not join this brutal barbarian snowfight!    

An Upper Year's Guide on Year Mottos

As FRECs, ex-FRECs, GrandFRECs, and Supreme Leaders of EngSoc, the writers at Golden Words have considerable experience in the matters of Year mottos. In fact, as Canada’s other national newspaper, we even have our own resident motto-maker. Therefore, we decided to give a quick, pro bono, guide on what NOT to put as a motto, tempted as you may be.

Fallacia Clamamus

Translation: “we said penis”

Top 5 Thoughts While I was Staring at My Computer and Trying to Work, but Not Really Trying

1.     If there are weight classes in wrestling, why aren’t there height classes in basketball?

2.    Why haven’t zombies happened yet? Just think, that could be the best source of virtually free labour. Chain them up and replace the urge for brains with a menial task on an assembly line.

3.    Why is a haiku

Five-seven-five syllables

It’s pretty random

Why would we even

Consider this an artform

It is just bullshit

Even Niners Are Better Than Frosh

Remember being in grade 9 and wondering why everyone hated you? Then being in grade 10 one year later and instantly realizing the answer? Same thing goes for first years, aka "frosh". You probably spent all of high school unconditionally hating every niner that crossed your path, but as you progress through university, you're probably realizing they weren’t the absolute worst people. Really, the people that truly deserve our focused hatred are the unfortunate souls I have previously mentioned, the only people that are worse than niners are frosh. Here's why:

Well, You Got Me! - Op Ed - by Jonas Salk, MD

Well, it was fun while it lasted, but it seems the joke is up. I’m just gonna come clean now: the whole vaccine thing was a lie and just a way to get some cheap kicks and make a few bucks.

AMS Negotiates "Shovel-It" With City of Kingston

The AMS has announced new Shovel-it program in cooperation with the City of Kingston. The new program will involve a $2.00 mandatory student fee, and the service will commence Winter 2016.

The Shovel-it program outlines a set of plans to shift the responsibility of snow removal for the City of Kingston to the AMS.

GW's 10 Steps to Find True Love

February is generally a shitty time of year, especially for people who hate families, people who hate hockey, and single people (who pretty much hate life). Fortunately, we have come up with a simple guaranteed-to-work formula for those of you who want to feel a bit less single this weekend.

Join a club or team with people who have similar interests to yours Download Tinder

Start talking to someone you get along with well Swipe right until you find a match