Issue 21

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Cody's Comic 5121

Club Stauff: The Next Hot Night Club in Kingston If You’re Drunk Enough

If you’re anything like the student you tell your parents you are, you supposedly spend a ridiculously upsetting amount of time in Stauffer. And if you’re anything like the student you actually are, you hate it and it’s boring as shit. You go there and you sit on the hard ass chairs and then your butt gets awkwardly sweating for literally no reason. Then it’s either boiling or freezing and there’s absolutely no way to deal with either. And then you go onto onQ and take out your crappy notebook and pens and then you take like five snapchats of how you’re studying really hard and shit.

Is This a Road or Just a Large Pathway?

Alright champs, here’s the 411: Acceptance offers have been going out for a while now, which means that next year's students will need to learn how to navigate campus sometime within the next six months. This gives me a prime opportunity to ask some questions that have been plaguing me for all six months I’ve been here: What is a road? What is a pathway? Do blue vans have more rights than me?

Donald Trump Commends Golden Words Science Fair as Premier Science Competition

After attending the the Golden Words Science Fair on Tuesday night, Donald Trump took to Twitter to express his satisfaction with the display of projects:

The President was particularly amazed by the Donald Trump Tweet Generator, a project that uses machine learning to predict future tweets from his account. Donald Trump reportedly acquired this technology from the students and fired his communications team. US Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, who also attended, called the event “an effective model for science education holy shit is that a penis volcano?! Lemme see!!!”

Four Reasons to See Local Play “Bro Diaries”

1. The Playwright is not a murderer
Mackenzie Parrott is the writer of “Bro Diaries,” and as far as we know, she has yet to kill anybody. This sets her in stark contrast to the rest of the Kingston theatre circuit, which is largely populated by unrepentant violent criminals.

How I Learned to Accept the Results of My Pottermore Quiz, Even Though It Said My Patronus Was a Moldy Pizza Slice

In life, I have found that being proud of who you are goes a long way towards being a better person. I have tried to be comfortable with how I look, how intelligent I am, how much people like me, and how boring my penis is. These were long processes – you cannot just wake up one day and decide that you are okay with being one hundred pounds overweight. This sort of acceptance takes time to heal. However, some epiphanies have more weight than others.

I Could, Like, Totally Climb Mount Everest

Mount Everest is a pretty fucking huge mountain I think. Like, I’ve heard it of it but I also failed grade 9 geography and have literally no idea where it is. It’s the largest mountain ever(est). I guess it’s cool and whatever to climb it but honestly it’s so overrated because basically every dude who’s ever run a marathon and has a fuck-ton of money has hired some Sherpas and dragged his ass up the cliff faces of Mt. Everest. I think if I climbed it it would be cool again.

Golden Words Crash Course on Crashing Courses

We get it: everyone loves school-stuff. Lectures, tutorials, labs, y’all can’t get enough of random course stuff. Class is like really cool and stuff… Ok, yeah, can’t keep that up for much longer. Let’s cut the crap, you’ve got a schedule more messed up than the Kennedy’s lobotomy and you’ve got to act fast before people start recognizing your face. Your professor speaks as coherently as a I do after a night alone at Stages, so how do you start squatting in on better lectures? I introduce to you the Golden Words Crash Course on Crashing Courses.

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