Editorials

Fall In Love With Yourself by Being Two People From Your Multiple Personality Disorder

Ok, yeah, this is exactly like the movie Split ™ by M. Night Shyamalan. Isn’t MPD just twins in one place? Aren’t twins just the best two for one deal of all time?

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places? Maybe Stop Looking In Crack Dens

Hey guys. Alex back at it again with the white Vans. Another weekend cut short by the Sunday-soul-sucking endeavour known as Press Nite. I’m not resentful that I’m consistently outclassed by people that are far more talented than me - who said that? In any case, yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and I know a lot of our readers are left with the sting of being single. Even though you are all extremely good looking, and have all the qualities of a suitable mate, there are lots of reasons why you are S.I.N.G.L.E. For some it could be their attitude or maybe personality.

How to Simultaneously Network While Also Seeming Like You Aren’t ONLY Interested In Them Because They Work For the NHL Even Though That’s Why You’re Even There In the First Place

Networking is ugly - it’s true. But that being said, networking is also like that total hottie that you just ran into that you remember as brace-faced and acne-ridden from middle school. If you put the work in and take your time, networking can pay off as a huge investment.

The Best and Worst Ways to Combat Mansplaining

If you are one of the fortunate individuals who have not encountered mansplaining, or you refuse to indulge in it, here is a brief definition: mansplaining when a man explains something whilst simultaneously asserting his dominance over everything subjective. This has led to some backlash, and if you are one of those people that can use their brain and have your own opinions-this list is for you.

How Dance Moms Helped me Fall Back in Love with Facism

Glitter. Glam. Government. It can be no surprise that as a bit of TV-snob, I’d be well versed in the instant-classic that is Dance Moms.

Things for $2.00 Worth LESS THAN the Golden Words Fee

Hey Guys! Issue 16. WOW. I honestly thought we’d have burned to the ground by now. In any case, we are currently pretty close. If you’ve followed us, we have a referendum on January 30th and 31st. We need everyone to vote yes for Golden Words so that we can continue to function. That’s right. So call up your friends and family and make it happen. But only if they go to Queen’s because otherwise they can’t vote so fuck ‘em. In any case, we’re not looking for any extra money. We’re not gonna ask for like $7.00 out of nowhere for a BS resume-padding club.

Calling All Scientists To Make a Change: Admit Neil Armstrong Was our First Alien

History, science, books, knowledge-brainiacs love this stuff. I get it guys, you love pushing the boundaries, getting stuff learned and learning it up! Same, totally, me too. But lately I have been struggling with the idea that some of my science-brain-brothers have been getting things mixed up.

Neil Armstrong along with 11 other people have all been on the moon and everyone’s all like “ooh what step for mankind” but I am not an idiot. Once a Being steps on a terrain outside their planet we all know that that makes them aliens.

How To Make Fake News And Overthrow Democracy and Journalism

Hey there folks! Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Golden Words! Last week, you saw lots of other text and words. This week, prepare for more of that, hopefully with more humour. But I mean who knows, I don’t read any of these articles before I put them in the paper–just here to make my money and get the fuck out. I leave principles to actual news organizations like Breitbart, and VICE. That’s right, I hate VICE. The documentaries are first year film assignments and it’s basically the left-wing version of Breitbart for people who check off travel as an interest in LinkedIn.

Welcome Back to Golden Words! Also Your New Year’s Resolutions Are Bullshit

Hey there. Are you sitting down? You should be. Okay are you sitting down? Get up, that’s disgusting. Get ahold of yourself.

Welcome back to Golden Words! I know you missed it. I mean look at yourself - you look horrific. That trip to somewhere sunny did you no favours. It’s nice that you can bundle up and hide it though. In any case, I know that you’ve been waiting to read my words and follow them to a key. So, with that in mind:

SAMANTHA’S TOP 5 WHITE NOISE BANGERS TO GET LAID TO

Woah what’s going on? Who’s this other blonde girl below me? That’s not Leah. At least I don’t think it is. Change scares me.

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