Issue 23

Queen's Professor Finally Figures Out How To Make Projector Work

After years of postdoctoral research on Gauss-Euler homomorphic rings in a Unidirectional field under nonlinear Riemann transformations, Dr. Augustus Yelton made his greatest scientific breakthrough yet. This past Monday, March 20th, Yelton figured out how to turn on the projector before his second lecture of the day. For other mathematicians in his field, the discover is both astounding and a remarkable breakthrough.

Encounter With Trees Pt.3

In bed on monday night I was watching a particular show on netflix. I forget what show I was actually watching, but looking back now it doesn’t really matter because the events that unfolded far outweigh my insignificant netflix experience. I heard a knock on my bedroom door. That’s right. Not my front door, but my bedroom door. I was the only one home so I was a quite confused and asked who was at the door. To my surprise the door flung open and it was the two potted plants that had sat in the living room of my house.

The Entire Bee Movie But The Movie Is Replaced By A Golden Words Article But the Article Is Replaced With The Lyrics Of Smash Mouth’s Hit Single All Star

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me
I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed
She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
In the shape of an “L” on her forehead

Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
Didn’t make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do, so much to see
So what’s wrong with taking the back streets?
You’ll never know if you don’t go
You’ll never shine if you don’t glow

I Cannot Lie, I Like Big Butts

So there I am, sitting in Starbucks, pondering the big questions in life, waiting for my girlfriend to arrive and that’s when I came to an abrupt conclusion. My girlfriend doesn’t really fit the bill when it comes to me. Not in an ‘out of my league’ kind of way but more in a “she looks like a gentleman that raps’ girlfriend”. I am anything but a rapsmith, sure I’m 250 Lbs with abs of steel and the gaze of an Andalusian stallion, but I mean, her butt. It’s just so big, so round! So when she gave me a chance I had to jump on it.

I Tried Not Going to Class for a Week, You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next

Ok so in keeping with the proud 21st century tradition of hard hitting Buzzfeed-esque journalism I decided to undertake some sort of stupid experiment for a week to see if anything unexpected happened. The only question was what experiment should I undertake? I considered trying to live with a heroin addiction for a week, but that would be expensive and definitely end up lasting for way more than a week. Next I thought I could try not wearing clothes for a week, but then I realised I do not have the body for that and I’m not sure that my self confidence could take a hit that large.

Why I Decided to Stop Drinking

This is your favourite vaping Christian dad here, just checking in. After a rough weekend, I’ve decided to stop drinking altogether. This is not so much about health concerns as it is about just enjoying life to its fullest. From now on I will never drink anything again. I will not drink in social situations, I will not drink before going out, and I will certainly not drink alone. Even with a nice meal, I will not drink. Don’t worry though, I will never stop vaping. So, here are ten reasons why I decided to stop drinking:

The Totally True Story of what I did with my Monday

For those of you who didn’t know, Monday March 20th was free cone day at Dairy Queen. To celebrate the anniversary of the ice cream chain’s founding they would be giving away one small vanilla ice cream cone to all customers. Like any rational human being I was over the moon with excitement at the prospect of getting Dairy Queen ice cream for free. There was however, a catch. I called the nearest Dairy Queen to confirm that the free cones were in fact available at our local franchise. What they told me was catastrophic. Free cone day was only happening in America.

My Thoughts on Exams, Stress, Healthy Living, and the Athenian Invasion of Syracuse in 415 B.C.E.

It’s me again, that guy who seemingly at random appeared on our newspaper last week to write about International Men’s Day. Now that the old Golden Words administration has successfully been overthrown, Brendan and I can finally set things straight and talk about “the real issues.” Viva La Revolución - your new editors are here to help you find the secret meaning of life and guide you in these turbulent times!

The Dangers of Native Advertising

Native advertising: a term you probably heard three years ago and thought, “huh, that sounds boring.” Well let me be the first to tell you that yes, it is pretty boring but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be afraid - more afraid than that time when you were eight and your sibling turned off the lights while you were showering and started punching the curtains like a dickhead.

Grad student hunger games

The School of Graduate Studies has made an announcement of a new and unique way of dealing with the problem of many graduate students constantly vying for the attention of their supervisor. All new graduate students looking to receive attention from their supervisor will be entered into the Supervisor Games where they will fight to the death on Queen’s campus in order to win a single 1 hour sit down slot with their supervisor to discuss what the hell is going on with their thesis. “ For far too long professors have had to be hassled by Masters and PhD students.

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