Issue 24

That House is Burning Because they Played my Mixtape, Not because I’m a Serial Arsonist

You know what they say - if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen! Good thing that family heeded those words because, another twenty seconds and they would have been literal toast. But like the gross kind of toast that no one eats. It’s somehow burnt to a crisp and yet still able to absorb moisture, thus becoming soggy. Oh and also they’re burnt to a crisp. And dead. 

Word Happiness Day: Top Ten Reasons for Being Happy

This past Friday was International Happiness Day, for those of you who missed it. These days, so many people are stressed from learning, anxious about their marks, and addicted to internet cat videos, that the true meaning of happiness is lost to all but those few lucky Apple kids who happen to multiply 7 by 6 and are struck with an epiphany. For the rest of us, let us take a moment to reflect upon what makes us happy in life; family, friends, internet dog videos…..

I thought about it, and here’s what I came up with:


 

Wise Crazy Person Editorial

Kingston Is Beautiful

Have you ever stopped five meters before the bus stop that you try to get to at 8:15 every morning, and look around your habitat from such a vantage point? Have you ever dug under the small mountain of snow on top of your front lawn, looking for the cigarette butt that your date from Tinder left behind two months ago? Have you ever stopped your pace, when you’re taking a stroll on Union street, to stare at the pink flesh of the dead squirrel beside your foot step and ponder the meaning of le?

Real Life Mario

A young plumber, Mario Russo, is running down Princess St, in search of Katie Peach, his ex-girlfriend. Many cars are driving towards Mario, so he tries to leap onto them to destroy them. The first car he jumps on seems relatively unaffected by his body weight, but does blare their horn at him. The next car takes no damage from him, but the driver rolls down their window and shouts “What the fuck, asshole!” at him.

Queen’s University to Introduce Minotaur to Mac-Corry Hall

Queen’s officials announced the implementation of a Minotaur into the upper floors of Mac-Corry Hall at a press release today. Citing budget cuts, the university has stated that they will no longer be able to fund the required services to clean up the corpses of students who got lost just wanting to drop off their POLS papers before the 4pm deadline. Rather, students will be required to move quickly through Mac-Corry Hall while paying close attention to the terrible death closing in from behind them or risk being eaten.

Proper Penis Drawing Etiquette - When? Where? How Big?

As children we are told that penis jokes are for mature adults and not appropriate, and as adults we are told that penis jokes are too immature and not appropriate. I say fuck that, penis jokes are hilarious, and as a fuck you to my parents, this is an article about how to draw the perfect dick.

When to draw your man-meat?

All the time. Assert dominance. Breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Where to draw your saucy-sausages?

Petition Urging You to Renounce Your Old Gods and Accept Me as The New Faith

In a vast and gargantuan universe comprised of 100 billion galaxies and 8.7 billion species on Earth alone, who knew that the manifestation of the one true God would be a human living in Kingston, Ontario? Just think you may have passed by me on campus unaware that a celestial being was walking among plebes.

People You Shouldn't Trust

The world is a frightening place, and there’s a lot to be nervous about. ISIS (the non-Archer, scary shooty kind), aneurysms (you could literally drop dead before you finish this shitty article), and whether or not your Hot Pocket is going to be too hot when you bite into it. Serious stuff. But the thing to be most nervous about is people. We kind of suck sometimes, and you just can’t trust us.

Men are Pigs: a Feminist Perspective

    Ladies, my name is Veronica Corningstone, and I am guest reporting for Golden Words, in order to do a piece on the other sex: Men. As everyone knows, men are disgusting. Practically every man I see is rolling around in his own shit like an uncultured slob. Sure people say that men are among the cleanest of the animals but is that really a gold standard that we hold the other sex to? Cleaner than animals? Sure they’re not throwing their own shit at each other, but that’s pretty much the next best thing. Plus it’s really hard to cup one’s feces with hooves.

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