Volume 50

Girl Giving Out Cookies In Stauffer Library Doing It Just To Make You Feel Like An Asshole

            While many students studying in Stauffer or Douglas take refuge in knowing that shortly after their arrival they will be bombarded with various baked goods and treats, it actually turns out that many of these cookie givers have much more nefarious aims. Golden Words has the exclusive story.

Things I'm allowed to do as an 18 year old that can't drink alcohol

    This week marks the beginning of my last month of being 18.  I don’t really have that many things that I can be justifiably angry about but that doesn’t stop me from being salty as fuck about the fact that even though I’ve legally been an adult for 11 months I’ve had to jump through various hoops to acquire alcohol.  Not to say that the government of Ontario is unfair however.  Here are a bunch of other things I can do as an 18 year old that are way less of a big deal than buying booze.

Things I can do now that I'm 21 and OLD AS FUCK

This marks my 3rd month as a 21 year old girl. #21andagirl. This is a list of stuff that I do as a fun, flirty, not-quite-30-still-in-my-20s, university attending gal.

The world needs more anti-ISIS Bangers

The rise of ISIS over the past two years has been unprecedented, mainly due to their ability to lure young people to the jihad using social media, high quality videos and, worst of all, some real banging tracks. Like straight ragers.

The Five Stages of Exam Grief

Settle down, you pretentious PSYC 100 fucks who think you have everyone figured out because you know what the anal stage is. This isn’t your parents’ Kübler-Ross model.. That’s stupid and useless. I present to you the Squidward Model: the five stages of exam grief. It’s a new, sexy and relatable description of what it’s like to go through exams. The models goes as follows:


The Great Stoner Exodus

    In 2014, mass emigration followed the announcement of Colorado Amendment 64, and Washington Initiative 502. In an unprecedented phenomenon,  thousands of stoners moved south of the border to gain the sticky icky freedom not found in Canada. Finally being able to enjoy the devil’s lettuce without worrying about the persecution of Johnny Law.

Marriage is Between a Man and a Woman and a Horse

I wake up in my bed. My loving wife, Mildreth is to my right. My beautiful Lipizzaner stallion, my equestrian lover of four legs, used to lie to my left. Mildreth and I have been married for ten years, but for many of those years our love waned. Then, three years ago, we acquired a lovely horse by the name of Snowflame. Snowflame gave new purpose to my marriage with Mildreth, and for a while we were polyamorous lovers with a beautiful horse - and we felt blessed.

Man Seeking Blowcareer not Blowjob

To whom it may concern,

Golden Words Will Sell Your Pets!

Have you been unfairly affected by the recent bust of the Queen’s underground online exotic animal trade on Free & For Sale?  No need to worry, Golden Words is here for all of your pet disposal needs. We now take classified ads for all of your unwanted animals, as well as ads for those looking to purchase.  Submit all posts to recruiting@isis.ca.

Check out this week’s crop of animals for sale:

Stupid Fish, $10