Authors - Smurf

Some Alright Haikus on the Alright Love You Can Find at Alright Clubs

I believe in love
In the bar and at the club
It’s there in the hub

Girls put on your heels
Boys get lit, walk on over
Sun, snow, rain, or hail

Got to make it out
Skip the line, don’t pay cover
Pretend you’re hub staff

Walk into the club
With at least a couple friends
And start having fun

Buy a drink or three
Get the cheapest one and tip
Bartender’s hot (nice?)

Check out the dance floor
Lock eyes with girl/boy/other
Make your way over

Did You Get Your 150?

Frosh week has come to an end You think your health is ruined? Think again. Through the bliss and the haze You got your 150 in 7 days! ‘How?’ you ask, Did I accomplish such a task? If you had half the fun I had, This is how you kept it rad: You slipped and flipped, covered in soap, The cup you tipped, and it was dope. If you wore heels, I bet every inch made you moan, But hey at least your calves are toned. Pier diving is a great way to cool down, With all your friends back in town. Playing beer pong requires some skill, quick decisions, Stamina, and precision.

I don’t need other people to think I’m funny

I don’t need other people to think I’m funny. I think I’m funny and my humour appreciation towards my jokes is enough for me. A snide comment under my breath is just loud enough to reach my ears and for me to chuckle quietly at the sweet sarcastic sound of my voice. If you’re wondering how I handle the critics (my housemates) when they roll their eyes when I laugh at my own puns, here’s the secret: Ignore the haters. Be free. B urself. Chill the ef out and do u. If you’re reading this, (it’s too late-LOL), you’re probably roughly 20 and at University; this is prime self-discovery time.

Gluten Free Foods: An Honest Review (of this Shitty Diet)

First off: they are crumbly. Also, did you know that gluten has absolutely no negative effect on your health? Those gluten-free diets are lying to you: avoiding gluten will not make you drop ten pounds in a week, sorry babes. You’ll probably just end up being hungry and binge-eating too many bananas or something. Unless those have gluten too. Also, gluten-free food tastes bad. And dry. And gluten-free brownies don’t really taste as chocolatey as they should. I know this firsthand because Chris always brings them in during press nite and I HATE THEM. Whatever happened to good old Oreos?

Undesired Communication and How To Put An End To It

Have you ever had an ex who just would not stop talking to you? Have you ever experienced texts that just would not stop? Example shown below:

‘September 18th
2:00 am :Hey
2:02 am: Hey
2:04 am: Hey
2:10 am: I miss you

September 23rd
4:15 pm: Honestly fuck you 
11:43 pm: Hey babe sorry for earlier what I meant was can I fuck you
11:58 pm: No? Ok then

Midterm Motivation

I know that midterms are hard
Profs are laughing at your sorry ass
You are totally caught off guard
You haven't been going to class

I don’t feel bad for you
All the times you could have studied
You disregarded your nerd crew
For netflix and chill buddies

How did you spend your weekends
Drinking alcohol and getting high?
How much time did you spend
Crying and learning about pipes?

So don’t complain friend
Get out of bed and make coffee
It is not yet the end
You can still walk to Dougie 

Dear Mr. Smith,

What about us? What about the faculty that lead you to your success? What happened to all the hours you put into projects and algorithms and calculus and differential equations and linear algebra and chemistry and vectors??? To all the Profs who taught you with great knowledge and interest? To the lifelong pals you made during your undergrad? Do you even remember going to school here? Because let me tell ya- you didn’t study commerce. Does engineering even ring a bell? Who are you? Mr. I-forget-where-I-came-from. Mr. Started-from-the-bottom-now’s-a-jerk.

Volkswagen CEO admits to planning World Apocalypse

GW: Were you aware that there is a gaping hole in our ozone layer…?
Ex-CEO of VW: I naturally learned about it. German schules are very gut. 
GW: Did you know that this hole is caused by carbon dioxide emissions?
Ex-CEO of VW: Why, yes *smiles* *chuckles*.
GW: Do you realize you have compromised our planet forever?
Ex-CEO of VW: Thank you!
GW: Did you purposely lie about the test results from your cars?

Life of a Third Wheel

I got tagged in a picture at Stages on Facebook. Said picture was of my housemate and her boyfriend gazing at each other over my head, because I was sandwiched between them. Pretty much a family portrait with me as the child. Came home and hung out in my housemate’s bed and watched a movie. With her and her boyfriend. I did the same thing the next night with my other housemate. 

An Open Letter to the Principal

Dear Mama Woolf, 
Cause I’m not perfect, and I bet neither are you if you listenin so just, uhh, tune in...Uh Yea Man, Vo, Back Again Like We Never Left Huh. Still yawning from the night before, at the club I was up I’m tryna live, only twenty two my boy, ‘bout to be twenty three ya dig? And The Club District is poppin like literally every week. 

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