Authors - Ronald Dewbanger

CIA Unveils Donald Trump's Ties to Russia

Since even before Donald Trump was elected President of The United States of America, he has been dogged by accusations of secret ties to Russia. Journalists have documented countless intersections between his own business interests and those of Russian oligarchs, and his own campaign manager Paul Manafort was forced to step down upon discovering a link to pro-Russian Ukrainian politics. This morning, the CIA finally unveiled all of these secret ties to the world.

Two Classmates Share Subtle Nods Upon Realization That They Both Use Reddit

At 1:55pm on January 11th, two students sitting half-asleep in a MECH323 lecture formed an unbreakable bond after discovering that were both browsing popular social media platform Reddit. Dhamn Daniels was taking notes on gear design, particularly related to the addendum and dedendum circles on the gear teeth, when he decided to take a quick study break and check the recent updates on /r/hiphopheads, the hip-hop forum within Reddit.

Hottest New Escape Room, The United States of America, Opening January 20th

After a controversial year filled with many ups and downs, an extremely fun new trend emerged to take our mind off of the senseless deaths in Hollywood, and the tragedies in places like Aleppo: escape rooms. For the uninitiated, escape rooms are fun experiences where a group of people are locked in a room, and must solve a series of puzzles to finally open the door and escape the room, while under a strict time limit. Escape rooms have quickly gained traction as a quick way to see your friends without any further social commitment!

Wow! Mike Pence Condemns Hamilton Cast In Audience At His One-Man Magic Show

A mere week ago, VP-elect Mike Pence was chastised during a performance of Hamilton in New York City for the ways in which his administration would potential act for certain minorities. In a stunning turn of events, the cast of Hamilton found themselves in a tight spot when they realized that they were sitting front row at none other than Zap!: A Mike Pence Night of Magic and faced an earful from Pence after the show.

Political Experts Blame Phallic Shaped State Florida for Fucking America

At around 10pm on November 8th, 2016, liberal America’s worst nightmares began to become reality. Hillary Clinton, long favoured to win the election for 45th American President, had been flip-flopping on a lead in the state of Florida against Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. Suddenly, the votes in the rural northern regions of the state were tallied up, and it became clear that Donald Trump was going to take the state of Florida.

Pretentious Indie Band Starts Every Show By Taking Photos of the Audience

The cigarette smoke in a local art gallery basement is thick, and the sounds of orca noises play over the PA system. It’s ten minutes before the first show of the recently reunited band Bänd, a german technocrat-pop group who has been playing underground shows on and off since 1946. Forming seemingly spontaneously on the scene, the band quickly gained a cult-like following amongst the local outsiders.

University Population Stunned As It Reaches Collective Realization That Halloween Actually Isn’t Until Monday

Remember when you were a little kid and no matter the night, you’d drop everything to run around outside dressed as a still-innocent. Harley Quinn? Aw man, those were the days. The men were still creepy except back in those days they were just suburban dads! In those early years, children would actually make sure to double-check the calendar before heading out to trick or treat, to avoid being the only kids running around at night in costume – the pre-teen equivalent of a ‘Fat L’.

I Was Told That I Had To Write an Article About Dicks and Then I Committed Several Crimes

I woke up today, with a clear mind and ready to punch out some great informative articles in this esteemed publication. I was ecstatic that at last, after an entire week I could reunite with friends and acquaintances alike in the Clark Hall lounge, and punch out some great informative articles while munching down on some pizza. I had some great concepts which would surely challenge the student population’s entire understanding of comedy and how it works.

AMS Votes to Replace Gender-Binary Bathrooms with Computer Binary Bathrooms

In an unprecedented vote yesterday, the AMS voted to advance with a pilot project which would replace 12 gender separated bathrooms on campus with computer terminals with a peehole.

Local Canada Computers salesman, Keevin (pronounced ‘Kheviin'), came to the university with the proposal in late 2015, citing his lifetime reputation of championing equality and “lots of really good rights”. Keevin developed the computer terminals himself, after walking away from his prior commitments at Kingston Penitentiary with a renewed level of focus and determination.

Queen’s Announces Inaugural Season of Varsity Facebook Messenger Basketball Team

One week ago today, our modern social fabric was forever disrupted and tossed into a state of disarray. Of course, the catalyst for this was none other than Facebook’s newest addition to their Messenger app, a hidden basketball minigame. The game, which has logged over 300 million sessions in just 7 days, has already captivated the hearts and fingers of players worldwide. Suddenly, group chats which were once sanctuaries of peace, tranquility and memes have now fallen victim to the toxic power of competitive drive.