Authors - Ronald Dewbanger

University Population Stunned As It Reaches Collective Realization That Halloween Actually Isn’t Until Monday


Remember when you were a little kid and no matter the night, you’d drop everything to run around outside dressed as a still-innocent. Harley Quinn? Aw man, those were the days. The men were still creepy except back in those days they were just suburban dads! In those early years, children would actually make sure to double-check the calendar before heading out to trick or treat, to avoid being the only kids running around at night in costume – the pre-teen equivalent of a ‘Fat L’.

I Was Told That I Had To Write an Article About Dicks and Then I Committed Several Crimes

I woke up today, with a clear mind and ready to punch out some great informative articles in this esteemed publication. I was ecstatic that at last, after an entire week I could reunite with friends and acquaintances alike in the Clark Hall lounge, and punch out some great informative articles while munching down on some pizza. I had some great concepts which would surely challenge the student population’s entire understanding of comedy and how it works.

AMS Votes to Replace Gender-Binary Bathrooms with Computer Binary Bathrooms

In an unprecedented vote yesterday, the AMS voted to advance with a pilot project which would replace 12 gender separated bathrooms on campus with computer terminals with a peehole.

Local Canada Computers salesman, Keevin (pronounced ‘Kheviin'), came to the university with the proposal in late 2015, citing his lifetime reputation of championing equality and “lots of really good rights”. Keevin developed the computer terminals himself, after walking away from his prior commitments at Kingston Penitentiary with a renewed level of focus and determination.

Queen’s Announces Inaugural Season of Varsity Facebook Messenger Basketball Team

One week ago today, our modern social fabric was forever disrupted and tossed into a state of disarray. Of course, the catalyst for this was none other than Facebook’s newest addition to their Messenger app, a hidden basketball minigame. The game, which has logged over 300 million sessions in just 7 days, has already captivated the hearts and fingers of players worldwide. Suddenly, group chats which were once sanctuaries of peace, tranquility and memes have now fallen victim to the toxic power of competitive drive.

Frank Ocean Committee

You may have heard of the Brute Force Committee, UofT’s rag-tag team of engineering misfits who have pulled off epic pranks such as constructing a literal gravy train at Toronto City Hall, and emailing a whimsical parody of Hotline Bling to every Queen’s engineering student. The latest of their heists was revealed Saturday, when they claimed responsibility for leaking Frank Ocean’s highly anticipated new album, Boys Don’t Cry, onto the internet. 

Student Traumatized After Acquaintance Actually Tells Him How It’s Going

At 7pm on most days, local Queen’s student Thad Everley leaves his house on Albert and Brock and heads over to Stauffer Library, usually to finish assignments or catch up on classes he was “too dank” to attend. Along the way, Thad will often bump into friends or other familiar faces. “If I’ve talked to them in the past year, or masturbated to them in the past 4, I’ll usually say hey,” says Thad about the interactions. “I’ll usually say something like: ‘how’s it going’, as I walk by. Sometimes they’ll do the same, or they might just not respond,” he elaborates.

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