Volume 51

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE HOMECOMING

Every Gael and Alum liked Hoco a lot…

But the Grinch
Who lived just north of Princess,
Did NOT!

The Grinch hated Hoco! The whole Hoco season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be he hated to hear the Gaels cheer.
It could be he hated the taste of cheap beer.
But I think the most likely reason by far
Is that in 2005 some kids flipped and burned his car.

Homecoming-Themed Pornos I Hope to Create with My Film Degree

With Homecoming just around the corner, I’m pretty excited to see all of the Queen’s alumni return to their school, and reminisce about how much better their lives were when they were here. For me though, the most exciting part of Homecoming is all of the sexy potential that Homecoming brings as a theme. I am a film major that dreams of being the next big pornographic filmmaker, and boy do I have ambition. Here are some of my finest pitches to date, which I hope to bring with me to LA when I make it big.

1) Homecumming: The Movie

Man Talk

Welcome to Man Talk, a “by men on men” (the topic not the sex position) column to being a man in today’s troubled times. Navigating you through everything from sex, women, fashion to how to train your sphincter let loose manly low-pitched “baroom”-ey farts as opposed to squealy, feminine toots.

How to Fight Like a Large Animal and Fuck Like a Much Smaller One

Man uses ‘The Facebook’ to Announce his Voting Plans

Today an elderly man has done something never before attempted; posting his radical political views on “the Facebook” explaining how he will be voting for Donald Trump in the coming US Presidential election.

Ask John!

This is a weekly column where readers can submit questions to John, our advice columnist. John tries to answer as many questions as possible, so if you don’t see your question answered this week please check next week’s issue. To get featured in an upcoming issue please submit your questions to goldenwords.donotreply.thisisntreallyaweeklytopic.ifyourestillreadingthi...

What Would Homecoming Be Without Flipping a Police Car?

Homecoming means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Some would say that HoCo is a time of rejoicing with your fellow gaels, celebrating with pancakes and hard liquor. Others think that this upcoming weekend is a moment of reflection, where we remind ourselves of the past weeks by once again getting blackout drunk and forgetting about our responsibilities. I, along with many of the Queen’s community, know that this age old festival of red, blue and gold is most importantly about getting so fucked up that we flip a police car.

What I Learned from Not Masturbating for 13 Days in the Middle East

After a harrowing and life-changing visit to Iran just one week ago, one female comedy writer (yeah it’s weird that Golden Words hires more than just men, engineers, and Jews, right?) has returned to Canada to recant what she took away from a fortnight of finger fucking abstinence…

Girls guide: How to make doing Meth not so basic

For this cool catchy intro I want to start with a true-to-life story (Leah you’ve been lying? Yup! Rules don’t apply to the meme-cowboys or the Vine Famous). But before I start on this crazy adventure, you have to promise me one thing-under no circumstances will you fall in love with me.

My Grades Don’t Define Me - What Defines Me is My Distaste for Olives

Guys I am sick and tired of it! What is ‘it’ you might ask? Is ‘it’ the political establishment which seeks to only benefit the rich while exploiting the poor? Is ‘it’ a nation built on the genocide of its indigenous population? Is ‘it’ the way in which our society lauds social action and yet wears clothing built by children in sweatshops?

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