Volume 51

How I Learned to Accept the Results of My Pottermore Quiz, Even Though It Said My Patronus Was a Moldy Pizza Slice

In life, I have found that being proud of who you are goes a long way towards being a better person. I have tried to be comfortable with how I look, how intelligent I am, how much people like me, and how boring my penis is. These were long processes – you cannot just wake up one day and decide that you are okay with being one hundred pounds overweight. This sort of acceptance takes time to heal. However, some epiphanies have more weight than others.

I Could, Like, Totally Climb Mount Everest

Mount Everest is a pretty fucking huge mountain I think. Like, I’ve heard it of it but I also failed grade 9 geography and have literally no idea where it is. It’s the largest mountain ever(est). I guess it’s cool and whatever to climb it but honestly it’s so overrated because basically every dude who’s ever run a marathon and has a fuck-ton of money has hired some Sherpas and dragged his ass up the cliff faces of Mt. Everest. I think if I climbed it it would be cool again.

Golden Words Crash Course on Crashing Courses

We get it: everyone loves school-stuff. Lectures, tutorials, labs, y’all can’t get enough of random course stuff. Class is like really cool and stuff… Ok, yeah, can’t keep that up for much longer. Let’s cut the crap, you’ve got a schedule more messed up than the Kennedy’s lobotomy and you’ve got to act fast before people start recognizing your face. Your professor speaks as coherently as a I do after a night alone at Stages, so how do you start squatting in on better lectures? I introduce to you the Golden Words Crash Course on Crashing Courses.

Candy's Corner - Advice From A 50 Year Old

Hi everybody, my name is Candice Fish! I was born before Woodstock, been married 5 different times (to the same man?!) and had a few dates. I started out giving advice to underaged little people in the 80’s because they respected my outside opinion and I then moved to the Clinton administration where I adopted the pseudonym ‘Monica Lewinsky’ for my successful White House Advice Column. It didn’t last long cause some office politics were put in the wrong place and I had to step down.

The Six Most Inspiring Lin-Manuel Miranda Quotes

“My grandfather was very sick, he was bedridden by his disease.The power went out in his house so we all came by, and lit some candles around his room so he could still see. It just so happened that he passed away while we were all there, and the moment he died all the candles went out. So yeah, like I don’t believe in ghosts but I definitely think there was something supernatural going on there.”
- When asked about his views on North Korea

CP Enthusiast

CP stands for Club Penguin not Child Porn by the way, for all of you with dirty minds out there. Moving on to the article now.

There’s a long running debate as to what is the best game ever, today I end this debate as Club Penguin is the winner. First thing’s first: add me on Club Penguin my name’s SwagMan2002. I have an igloo with 6 puffles and I host sick bangers all the time. Make sure to Tilt before you come though.

Top Five Weird Al Songs to Listen to at Your Wedding

1. eBay

2. Dare to be Stupid

3. Fat

4. Pretty Fly for a Rabbi (Rabbi Goldstein will love this one)

5. Tacky

Sam-I-Am-Not-(Disappointed with Rabbi Goldstein’s Dance Moves)

US Ambassador to Russia Under Fire for Alleged Contact with Russia

In the first few months of Donald Trump’s presidency, the entire political landscape of the United States has been shifted, and the promises to crush the Democratic establishment have largely been fulfilled. However the Trump White House has continually been plagued by accusations of ties to Vladimir Putin, which have already forced the resignation of National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, and caused Attorney General Jeff Sessions to recuse himself from any investigation into Russian meddling in the American elections.

Things That Piss Me Off and Should Piss You Off Too, Part 2

Hi team. We’re getting closer to the final stretch. School is almost over, midterm season is starting to dwindle, and you’re already tired after your restful Reading Week. That being said, you continue to read Golden Words as it’s really the only thing you look forward to. I can’t blame you though. It’s like when growing up how you were always looking forward to your dad to come home from getting cigarettes. Except in this scenario he actually comes home and he’s bringing a weekly copy of Golden Words with him.

I Joined Reddit for a Week to See if I Could Get a Sense of Superiority over Other Women and Further MY Feminist Agenda

Have you ever been with a mixed group of friends, and there’s this weird break in the conversation where a male individual will suddenly only address the other males within the circle. It’s a common phenomenon, and typically I’ll just ignore it and move on, but a few weeks ago I took the time to listen in on what those boys were talking about. I came to the discovery that the reason the group had been suddenly pressured into segregation was because the instigating male had brought up a post he had seen on Reddit.