Volume 51

A Very Special and Saucy Set of Valentine's Day Horoscopes

Aries

Your red hot, sexual rampage will come to a grinding halt when a gypsy will put a curse rendering you sexually impotent. Why you ask? She did this on behalf of all of your vengeful ex lovers and you’re about to learn some wholesome life lessons. This month, look into community service and anti-hexes to reverse the curse. Also, you’ll fall in love with a platonic mundane looking friend after seeing them for who they actually are

Taurus

A Guide On How To Organize The Most Romantic Valentine's Day Ever Written by Someone Who is Woefully Unqualified to Offer Romantic Advice

It’s the big day, that one night of the year when all those couples break out of their midwinter slumps and start going at it like a pack of horny gazelles. All your friends seem to be in relationships (except for Derrick, lol), and you’re still looking for love. Well, not looking- you’ve got someone in mind. She’s perfect: long blonde hair, has good handwriting, can see out of both eyes- really just top notch stuff. Or if you’re a girl, he’s got a nice butt and stuff (I don’t know, might as well pander to both sides).

Things to Send Your Crush That Say "I'm Always Watching You"

We live in exciting times. What makes the times we live in exciting is that you no longer need expertise or experience in order to provide an opinion or advice on something. For some people that something is religion, for an annoyingly large fucking number of people (certain heads of state included) that something is politics, and for me that something is romance. Now since this is only a widely distributed newspaper available publicly to anyone with the misfortune to pick it up I feel like I can be honest with you, our cherished readers. I have no idea how to romance.

If Masturbation Counts as Having Sex Then I Have a Greater Kill Count Than Josef Stalin

Grab a bottle of lotion, a fistful of Kleenex® and let me whisk you away for the next 2 minutes of your morous moronic existence as you read this ‘article’. I have sex every day ever. That is a fact. Sometimes i’ll even have sex two times in a day. With whom you ask? Lela, Shyla, Shy, Alexis, Addison, Mark (once), Kyla, Teresa, Fido (once), Christina and the list keeps going. Sometimes people get worried that i’ll get sexually transmitted diseases and so am I, but I always use protection - private browsing.

Polish off Your Vday Vibes

Okay Ladies and Gentlemen who are so alone it hurts sometimes, I am here to help. I’m sure you’ve read all sorts of articles about what to wear, how to style the rat’s nest that is your hair and all sorts of tips and tricks to finally, maybe for once, have a date on the biggest, most important holiday of the year. Obviously this is not working because you are single as shit, or there is something fundamentally wrong with you. I’ve got some new shit for you though. I’m going to briefly bring your attention to your most overlooked appendages.

5 Bad Things That Happened to A Good Person Like Me

I saw my ex-boyfriend getting a haircut from the JDUC Tim Horton’s lineup and I was too committed to my steeped tea to leave the line

Top 7 Alt-Right Hotties with Bodies

Hey cutie, Valentine’s Day got you down? Feel like there’s an impenetrable wall around your heart? Being alone feels badmon. If you don’t have a bae this Valentine’s day, or they’re just straight up not allowed to enter the country anymore, we’ve got you your back. No cuckservatives, no whiny libtards, and definitely no betas here - only the realest, purest, waspiest wasps we could find at the bottom of the swamp. Here are 7 alt right machismo men that will deport your wintertime blues back Islamastan.

Steve Bannon

Reading Week Packing List

With reading week right around the corner, it’s time to start packing for your vacation down south! We at golden words took the liberty of making this list of some cool and fun essential items to bring. Don’t worry about packing your standards or your dignity, those will also be on vacation.

Sunscreen: Since you live in Kingston, there’s no doubt in our mind that your skin is paler than Michael Jackson in 2011. Slap on some sunscreen so you don’t end up coming back as red as Mr. Krabs and crusty like my favorite rock sock (Krusty Krab :P).

Cover 5119

Cody's Comic 5119

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