Authors - Alex Green

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places? Maybe Stop Looking In Crack Dens

Hey guys. Alex back at it again with the white Vans. Another weekend cut short by the Sunday-soul-sucking endeavour known as Press Nite. I’m not resentful that I’m consistently outclassed by people that are far more talented than me - who said that? In any case, yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and I know a lot of our readers are left with the sting of being single. Even though you are all extremely good looking, and have all the qualities of a suitable mate, there are lots of reasons why you are S.I.N.G.L.E. For some it could be their attitude or maybe personality.

How to Simultaneously Network While Also Seeming Like You Aren’t ONLY Interested In Them Because They Work For the NHL Even Though That’s Why You’re Even There In the First Place

Networking is ugly - it’s true. But that being said, networking is also like that total hottie that you just ran into that you remember as brace-faced and acne-ridden from middle school. If you put the work in and take your time, networking can pay off as a huge investment.

Things for $2.00 Worth LESS THAN the Golden Words Fee

Hey Guys! Issue 16. WOW. I honestly thought we’d have burned to the ground by now. In any case, we are currently pretty close. If you’ve followed us, we have a referendum on January 30th and 31st. We need everyone to vote yes for Golden Words so that we can continue to function. That’s right. So call up your friends and family and make it happen. But only if they go to Queen’s because otherwise they can’t vote so fuck ‘em. In any case, we’re not looking for any extra money. We’re not gonna ask for like $7.00 out of nowhere for a BS resume-padding club.

How To Make Fake News And Overthrow Democracy and Journalism

Hey there folks! Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Golden Words! Last week, you saw lots of other text and words. This week, prepare for more of that, hopefully with more humour. But I mean who knows, I don’t read any of these articles before I put them in the paper–just here to make my money and get the fuck out. I leave principles to actual news organizations like Breitbart, and VICE. That’s right, I hate VICE. The documentaries are first year film assignments and it’s basically the left-wing version of Breitbart for people who check off travel as an interest in LinkedIn.

Welcome Back to Golden Words! Also Your New Year’s Resolutions Are Bullshit

Hey there. Are you sitting down? You should be. Okay are you sitting down? Get up, that’s disgusting. Get ahold of yourself.

Welcome back to Golden Words! I know you missed it. I mean look at yourself - you look horrific. That trip to somewhere sunny did you no favours. It’s nice that you can bundle up and hide it though. In any case, I know that you’ve been waiting to read my words and follow them to a key. So, with that in mind:

What Happened When I Grew A Moustache? These Things.

As some of you may know, and as most of you probably don’t, I am a HUGE fan of white noise machines. I listen to that shit while I study, while I sleep, while I make pizza pockets, and overtop of television shows. You see me doing something? Chances are that I am bumping that sweet, sweet, white noise. I recently went home with a guy who played a blend of air conditioning fan noises to fall asleep to. The loop was about eight minutes long and at the end of every eight minutes, it skipped and replayed itself. Talk about romance, am I right ladies?

My Near-Death Teriyaki Experience

I remember that day like it was yesterday. Indeed, it seemed to catch the corner of my eye, I’d never seen that before. In my head the order of food places was always Booster Juice, Pita Pit, Pizza Pizza, and Tim Hortons. Suddenly, there it was. A line going somewhere I had never seen before. Well technically it was two people waiting, so I don’t know if that actually counts as a line. Nonetheless, a gleaming light, a glowing red sign hypnotized me. I began to walk towards it until I could make out what it said.

Teriyaki Experience. And what an experience it would be.

Has Science Gone Too Far? Girls Now Have the Technology to Tell Me to Fuck Off

Science thinks it has all the answers. La-de-FUCKING-da, you discovered penicillin, insulin, and other stupid shit. Now you think you have the right to tell me how to live? Tell me what to wear, what to eat, how to eat puss puss pussy magoosey? Well guess what? YOU’RE WRONG. Science is overstepping its boundaries and should step the fuck back. They’ve invented lots of good things, don’t get me wrong, but now that they’ve progressed so far women have figured out they have the technology to tell me to “fuck off”, whatever that means. Take this example from a party this past weekend.

Spooky Movies for your Spooky Evenings

T’is the season! Wait, wrong holiday.

That’s right - Halloween is approaching, and with the actual date in the middle of the week, you’ll be able to party your pointy devil ears off for two magical weekends! While doing so though, you might find it prudent to consider taking a night or two off to rest, or maybe save yourself a couple of extra bucks on another costume. Whatever the reason, I’ve got years of Halloween movie specials to help you decide what exactly you want to watch. After careful consideration, I’ve decided on a list that cannot be debated. Take a look: