Authors - Alex Green

Don’t Say Goodbye; The French Say Omlette Du Fromage

That’s right kids, I know that you’re secretly celebrating, but can you at least pretend to be a little sad? No, this isn’t when granny died and left you some cold hard $$$. Instead of buying yourself a fancy watch and selling his old clocks on Kijiji, you’re getting new GW editors. That’s right, your boy is stepping aside, old and obsolete, for fresh blood: Sam Goldstein and Brendan Robson. This very well may be on the of the last times you see my mug in this newspaper.

Things That Piss Me Off and Should Piss You Off Too, Part 2

Hi team. We’re getting closer to the final stretch. School is almost over, midterm season is starting to dwindle, and you’re already tired after your restful Reading Week. That being said, you continue to read Golden Words as it’s really the only thing you look forward to. I can’t blame you though. It’s like when growing up how you were always looking forward to your dad to come home from getting cigarettes. Except in this scenario he actually comes home and he’s bringing a weekly copy of Golden Words with him.

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places? Maybe Stop Looking In Crack Dens

Hey guys. Alex back at it again with the white Vans. Another weekend cut short by the Sunday-soul-sucking endeavour known as Press Nite. I’m not resentful that I’m consistently outclassed by people that are far more talented than me - who said that? In any case, yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and I know a lot of our readers are left with the sting of being single. Even though you are all extremely good looking, and have all the qualities of a suitable mate, there are lots of reasons why you are S.I.N.G.L.E. For some it could be their attitude or maybe personality.

Putting It In Rice Couldn’t Save My Failing Relationship

Wow guys, thanks for all the advice, your help has been outpouring and I’ve really appreciated it. In times like this I take solace in knowing that our dear readers support me.

How to Simultaneously Network While Also Seeming Like You Aren’t ONLY Interested In Them Because They Work For the NHL Even Though That’s Why You’re Even There In the First Place

Networking is ugly - it’s true. But that being said, networking is also like that total hottie that you just ran into that you remember as brace-faced and acne-ridden from middle school. If you put the work in and take your time, networking can pay off as a huge investment.

Things for $2.00 Worth LESS THAN the Golden Words Fee

Hey Guys! Issue 16. WOW. I honestly thought we’d have burned to the ground by now. In any case, we are currently pretty close. If you’ve followed us, we have a referendum on January 30th and 31st. We need everyone to vote yes for Golden Words so that we can continue to function. That’s right. So call up your friends and family and make it happen. But only if they go to Queen’s because otherwise they can’t vote so fuck ‘em. In any case, we’re not looking for any extra money. We’re not gonna ask for like $7.00 out of nowhere for a BS resume-padding club.

How To Make Fake News And Overthrow Democracy and Journalism

Hey there folks! Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Golden Words! Last week, you saw lots of other text and words. This week, prepare for more of that, hopefully with more humour. But I mean who knows, I don’t read any of these articles before I put them in the paper–just here to make my money and get the fuck out. I leave principles to actual news organizations like Breitbart, and VICE. That’s right, I hate VICE. The documentaries are first year film assignments and it’s basically the left-wing version of Breitbart for people who check off travel as an interest in LinkedIn.

Welcome Back to Golden Words! Also Your New Year’s Resolutions Are Bullshit

Hey there. Are you sitting down? You should be. Okay are you sitting down? Get up, that’s disgusting. Get ahold of yourself.

Welcome back to Golden Words! I know you missed it. I mean look at yourself - you look horrific. That trip to somewhere sunny did you no favours. It’s nice that you can bundle up and hide it though. In any case, I know that you’ve been waiting to read my words and follow them to a key. So, with that in mind:

So You Want Me To Write About Race, Huh? Well Hell Fucking NAW I’m Gonna Talk About the Electoral College Instead

I’ve gotten lots of comments from friends this past week. While usually people don’t really talk to me and sorta look away when I walk by, this week was different. On the way to class? Stopped. On the way into the bathroom stall? Stopped. Stopped at a red light? Stopped AND ironic. They always say to me the same thing: “Alex, have you seen what’s going on in Overheard and overall at Queen’s? You NEED to write about race this issue! It would be such a good idea!” If you aren’t sure what I’m talking about then you’re living under a rock.

What Happened When I Grew A Moustache? These Things.

As some of you may know, and as most of you probably don’t, I am a HUGE fan of white noise machines. I listen to that shit while I study, while I sleep, while I make pizza pockets, and overtop of television shows. You see me doing something? Chances are that I am bumping that sweet, sweet, white noise. I recently went home with a guy who played a blend of air conditioning fan noises to fall asleep to. The loop was about eight minutes long and at the end of every eight minutes, it skipped and replayed itself. Talk about romance, am I right ladies?