Authors - A Christian Dad Who Vapes

Daniel Woolf to Institute Temporary Ban of Commerce Program

RICHARDSON HALL, KINGSTON: The office of the Principal was filled with authoritative white people on this past Tuesday, January 31st. Together they smiled with Principal Woolf as they erased the rights of all commerce students – a visible minority within the Queen’s student body.

Students Propose turning Stauffer Library into Actual Nightclub

QUEEN’S UNIVERSITY, KINGSTON: Saturday saw the revelation that one AMS executive team in the current election intends to turn The Underground into a study space for half of every week. Citing the need for increased study space, the proposal suggests using The Underground as a library from Sunday to Wednesday.

Report: Alistair Wants You To Wait Before You Sign The Lease

THE STUDENT GHETTO: To the surprise of nobody except you, Alistair Bateman, a 1st year prospective POLS major (and your future housemate), is not ready to sign the lease. After much deliberation, Alistair has decided it may be better to wait before any rash actions are taken. Unprompted, Alistair told interviewers “I’m just not sure that we should sign before doing our due diligence. Yes, all of us like the house, but what if we move in and realize we made a mistake?”

Golden Words Guide to Writing a Resume

As we at Queen’s enter our second semester of the year, we naturally enter crunch time for the summer job hunt. Enter January; when everybody suddenly cares about having something to do for their summer break. Fear not, ye desperate labourers – Golden Words has a guide that will change your fortunes for the better. Follow the guidelines below for many helpful tips on creating the best resume ever!

The Golden Words Guide to Coping with Tragedy

Following an eventful week for our neighbour to the South, it has become essential for Golden Words to do its best to aid any Queen’s students going through tough times in reaction. Seek the step by step guideline below for help coping with tragic events like an orange baboon’s presidential victory.

A Tale of Two Presidents

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of Kanye, it was the age of the Kardashians, it was the epoch of environmentalism, it was the epoch of fundamentalism, it was the season of Five-Thirty-Eight, it was the season of Breitbart, it was the spring of exceptionalism, it was the winter of sensationalism, we had Bernie Sanders before us, we had Ted Cruz before us, we were all going directly to go, we were all going directly to jail – in short, the contest was so far unlike all the presidential elections before it, that some of our nosiest POLS students insisted on

Facts About Queen’s That Will SHOCK YOU If You’re Easily Surprised

1) Queen’s University can be found in Kingston, Ontario – home of the world-renowned baseball team “The KP Saints” (this is real).
2) Queen’s University was named to honour Mary, Queen of Scotts – the only surviving legitimate child of King James V of Scotland.
3) Queen’s has given honourary degrees to many notable figures, such as Franklin D. Roosevelt, Gordon Downie, and Carlos Bustamante – Host of YTV’s The Zone.
4) Grant Hall was funded entirely by students using

Your Abortion Horoscopes

Getting an abortion is a big decision, and that is why it is important to time your abortion based on astrological symbols in the sky. Will you kill your child as a Scorpio, a Capricorn, or a Cancer? The choice is yours! Be cautious, because killing your unborn child in the wrong month can mess up your fortunes - don’t fuck it up like a goddamned Gemini.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)

Homecoming-Themed Pornos I Hope to Create with My Film Degree

With Homecoming just around the corner, I’m pretty excited to see all of the Queen’s alumni return to their school, and reminisce about how much better their lives were when they were here. For me though, the most exciting part of Homecoming is all of the sexy potential that Homecoming brings as a theme. I am a film major that dreams of being the next big pornographic filmmaker, and boy do I have ambition. Here are some of my finest pitches to date, which I hope to bring with me to LA when I make it big.

1) Homecumming: The Movie