Authors - Sam-I-Am-Not

Things to Send Your Crush That Say "I'm Always Watching You"

We live in exciting times. What makes the times we live in exciting is that you no longer need expertise or experience in order to provide an opinion or advice on something. For some people that something is religion, for an annoyingly large fucking number of people (certain heads of state included) that something is politics, and for me that something is romance. Now since this is only a widely distributed newspaper available publicly to anyone with the misfortune to pick it up I feel like I can be honest with you, our cherished readers. I have no idea how to romance.

Tips for House Hunting Frosh

It’s that time of year again. The least magical time of year. The time of year that will see you face more rejection than you faced at your first high school dance. The time of year that will see you stay awake ‘till the wee hours of the morning with crippling panic attacks and turn you against your fellow students–It’s house hunting season. You’ve probably already found out that house hunting sucks. It sucks so so so much. You’ve been told that “you were great, but there was one other group that was better” and that “we’ll call you if the signing falls through”.

Top 5 Weird-Al Songs To Have Sex To

1. Eat It

2. Trapped in the Drive Through

3. Albuquerque

4. Handy

5. Virus Alert

Top 5 Ways to Ice Your Friends

It’s getting to be Winter time which means pretty soon there’s going to be ice everywhere. It’s going to be on the ground, in outdoor hockey rinks, and dangerously falling off of tall buildings and putting your life at risk. So, in keeping with the theme of ice, there is no better time than week 11 to start an ice war with your friends, housemates, or floormates. By ice, I’m obviously talking about Smirnoff Ice.

Famous Paradoxes and How They Can Applied to Sex and Masturbation

Here at Golden Words™ we like to consider ourselves deep thinkers. This is a little known fact but most press nites are actually just lengthy discussions about classical philosophy and the deeper meaning of life. However, we are also disgusting pieces of shit whose senses of humour are centred mainly on jokes involving vulgarity and topics that should generally be excluded from polite conversation. This week, for your reading pleasure, we have assembled five of our favourite paradoxes and discussed how they can be applied to sex and masturbation.

What’s Next For America?

It’s Sunday right now, so I have no clue who won the election, but I do know that everything has presumably gone to shit. Hopefully classes are still going on and the rioting has stayed safely south of the border, but since you people for some reason think that your opinions on this election matter even though you’re not American citizens, there’s a fair chance that classes have been cancelled, and campus has been placed on lockdown as a result of widespread fires and looting.

President Obama Eagerly Looking Forward to Finally Being Able to Smoke Again

I was sitting in the Oval Office sitting across from the most powerful person in the free world. His hair was greyer that it was 8 years ago, his face had obviously experienced accelerated aging from the extreme stress he experiences every day. I was looking at the face of President Barack Obama. Eight years ago Barack Obama was just a senator from Illinois who was running for the highest office in the land.

2016 is Almost Over, What Else Could Possibly go Wrong?

There seems to be an overall consensus that 2016 has been a pretty awful year. In case you’ve not really been paying attention here’s the sparknotes version of what’s happened.

The Golden Words Guide On HOW TO WHISPER in Lectures

Listen here. We go to one of the finest universities in a country that is pretty great. I know that at Queen’s sometimes a horse will get slapped or we’ll let a gender studies student get a degree and pretend that they’ve graduated, but overall I’d like to think that we can hold our heads high and rest assured that we go to a great school. This is a school that has produced Governors General, Rhodes Scholars, and a fucking Nobel Laureate. Despite all of this.

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE HOMECOMING

Every Gael and Alum liked Hoco a lot…

But the Grinch
Who lived just north of Princess,
Did NOT!

The Grinch hated Hoco! The whole Hoco season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be he hated to hear the Gaels cheer.
It could be he hated the taste of cheap beer.
But I think the most likely reason by far
Is that in 2005 some kids flipped and burned his car.

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