Authors - Sam-I-Am-Not

Top 5 Ways to Ice Your Friends

It’s getting to be Winter time which means pretty soon there’s going to be ice everywhere. It’s going to be on the ground, in outdoor hockey rinks, and dangerously falling off of tall buildings and putting your life at risk. So, in keeping with the theme of ice, there is no better time than week 11 to start an ice war with your friends, housemates, or floormates. By ice, I’m obviously talking about Smirnoff Ice.

Famous Paradoxes and How They Can Applied to Sex and Masturbation

Here at Golden Words™ we like to consider ourselves deep thinkers. This is a little known fact but most press nites are actually just lengthy discussions about classical philosophy and the deeper meaning of life. However, we are also disgusting pieces of shit whose senses of humour are centred mainly on jokes involving vulgarity and topics that should generally be excluded from polite conversation. This week, for your reading pleasure, we have assembled five of our favourite paradoxes and discussed how they can be applied to sex and masturbation.

What’s Next For America?

It’s Sunday right now, so I have no clue who won the election, but I do know that everything has presumably gone to shit. Hopefully classes are still going on and the rioting has stayed safely south of the border, but since you people for some reason think that your opinions on this election matter even though you’re not American citizens, there’s a fair chance that classes have been cancelled, and campus has been placed on lockdown as a result of widespread fires and looting.

President Obama Eagerly Looking Forward to Finally Being Able to Smoke Again

I was sitting in the Oval Office sitting across from the most powerful person in the free world. His hair was greyer that it was 8 years ago, his face had obviously experienced accelerated aging from the extreme stress he experiences every day. I was looking at the face of President Barack Obama. Eight years ago Barack Obama was just a senator from Illinois who was running for the highest office in the land.

2016 is Almost Over, What Else Could Possibly go Wrong?

There seems to be an overall consensus that 2016 has been a pretty awful year. In case you’ve not really been paying attention here’s the sparknotes version of what’s happened.

The Golden Words Guide On HOW TO WHISPER in Lectures

Listen here. We go to one of the finest universities in a country that is pretty great. I know that at Queen’s sometimes a horse will get slapped or we’ll let a gender studies student get a degree and pretend that they’ve graduated, but overall I’d like to think that we can hold our heads high and rest assured that we go to a great school. This is a school that has produced Governors General, Rhodes Scholars, and a fucking Nobel Laureate. Despite all of this.

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE HOMECOMING

Every Gael and Alum liked Hoco a lot…

But the Grinch
Who lived just north of Princess,
Did NOT!

The Grinch hated Hoco! The whole Hoco season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be he hated to hear the Gaels cheer.
It could be he hated the taste of cheap beer.
But I think the most likely reason by far
Is that in 2005 some kids flipped and burned his car.

How to Tell Whether the Hot Girl At Thanksgiving Dinner is A Family Friend or 2nd Cousin

Thanksgiving is super cool. You get to go home and eat a shit ton of food that you didn’t have to pay for, get drunk off of alcohol that you also didn’t pay for, and answer awkward questions about what you’re going to do after graduation with your politics degree that you also didn’t pay for. Getting laid is also super cool. You get to have the sex. You know what’s not cool? Incest. That’s right, incest is pretty fucked up, also it can lead to wars and pushing kids out of towers and your inbred kid being a tyrant king who dies at his own wedding.

If Misandry Isn’t Real, Then Why Do Only Men Have to Stand up to Pee?

In this modern age of fairness and social justice advocacy the issues that we men face on a day to day basis are often swept under the rug in order to bring the spotlight towards supposedly more important issues such as “making sure all children have access to primary education” and “ensuring that all Canadians are provided with clean and safe drinking water”.

Point/Counterpoint: TAPS Ruined Hazing for the Rest of Us

Warning: To understand the context of this story you have to Read the Journal. While obviously this is a distasteful venture to even the most hardened consumers of breathless, enthusiastic reporting of inane local news, we highly encourage you to read their article on “TAPS services to be locked for Hoco”, then promptly set the rest of the newspaper on fire and then put it out in a toilet, then flush that toilet. Point: Make Hazing Great Again

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