Authors - Cain Ronson

I Tried Going Vegan For a Week and Ended Up Murdering My Family

“If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian”. These wise words were muttered by the early Paul McCartney and really made me rethink my life choices. I’ve been a meat-eater my whole life and never gave two thoughts about the processes put that food on my plate: veal, beef, venison, fish, salmon, poultry and ouvrier. If it exists, i’ve put it in my mouth. Which is why I decided to change to up last week and not only be a vegetarian, but also a vegan. So i’m gonna go ahead and take the liberty and finish Mr.

I Cannot Lie, I Like Big Butts

So there I am, sitting in Starbucks, pondering the big questions in life, waiting for my girlfriend to arrive and that’s when I came to an abrupt conclusion. My girlfriend doesn’t really fit the bill when it comes to me. Not in an ‘out of my league’ kind of way but more in a “she looks like a gentleman that raps’ girlfriend”. I am anything but a rapsmith, sure I’m 250 Lbs with abs of steel and the gaze of an Andalusian stallion, but I mean, her butt. It’s just so big, so round! So when she gave me a chance I had to jump on it.

If Masturbation Counts as Having Sex Then I Have a Greater Kill Count Than Josef Stalin

Grab a bottle of lotion, a fistful of Kleenex® and let me whisk you away for the next 2 minutes of your morous moronic existence as you read this ‘article’. I have sex every day ever. That is a fact. Sometimes i’ll even have sex two times in a day. With whom you ask? Lela, Shyla, Shy, Alexis, Addison, Mark (once), Kyla, Teresa, Fido (once), Christina and the list keeps going. Sometimes people get worried that i’ll get sexually transmitted diseases and so am I, but I always use protection - private browsing.

3-Year-Old Gets Mistaken as KCVI Student Gets Mistaken as Queen's Student at Convocation

As the sweet sounds of bagpipes ruffled through Grant Hall during Fall Convocation and the graduates started lining up, all seemed to be going well. But little did anyone know, Jehovah Wilkins, a 3-year-old student at the Bright Sunshine Daycare accidentally stumbled into the ceremony and got confused as a KCVI student and hence a fourth year Queen’s student. No one involved in the convocation noticed the lone straggler and everything proceeded normally.

Point-Counterpoint: Mac DeMarco or Mozart?

Music. It comes in all shapes and sizes like triangles, big, squares and small. But not everyone likes the same music - in fact, scientists have determined that all listeners of music fall into two distinct categories: Mozart, the hit pop artist of the 1970s, or Mac DeMarco, the 2018 EDM trombonist. In this critical ‘thinkpiece’, our two esteemed musical writers, Solo and Jeremy, debate the fundamental truths that permeate our society: who is better, Mac DeMarco or Mozart?

Music Student in Critical Condition After Piano Hilariously Falls on Head

Earlier this week, Areal Violin, a 3rd year music student suffered blunt force trauma to her brain and a free trip to KGH during a freak piano-delivery mishap outside of Harrison LeCaine. Witnesses say Areal slipped and fell right under a piano being lifted on a crane which distracted the movers, causing the piano to fall 3 storeys and land perfectly on her head. One of the movers Isat Uba, described the scene as ‘horrifyingly humorous’, “Like we all heard this comical ‘TWANG’ but when we looked we saw this poor girl with her faced caved in and just blood...everywhere…”.

A Man’s Guide to Dealing with Diurnal Emissions

We’ve all been ‘there’–It’s 12:15 pm on a Wednesday and you’re rushing to class like you’re about to ejaculate in your pants, except this time you actually are. According to Consumer Health Digest, approximately 83% of all men will experience a nocturnal emission in their lives. But what people don’t know is that men also suffer diurnal emissions–wet daydreams. While there are no hard statistics, there is a soft estimate that 16% of men suffer from it.

Eng That Went High to Graphics Exam Regrets it After Getting Marks Back

As students come back from the break and marks start rolling in, many will be content with the work they put in over exams but others will be distraught with their lack of trying. Tim Thiggins, an Eng frosh falls into the latter category. After talking to his friends he was convinced that if he went high to his first year graphics exam he would ace it. He did not. Tim explains, “yeah man my buddy Nut was telling me that he toked up before the graphics midterm and was able to like visualize the shapes and shit and got like a 95 on it!

Sam and Solo Present: The Enigma of the Hot Dog- Sandwich or Nah?

The story of the Hot Dog is as old as time. You know it, I know it, your frickin’ grandma knows it. Let’s get to the real meat of this piece: Sandwich or not? A timeless debated will be debated once again inside the covers of Queen’s finest print media. Buckle up and prepare to be educated by your fellow peers and Queen’s Hot Dog Enthusiasts- Solo and Sam!

Solo: Hot dogs are a sandwich.

Sam: Hot dogs are not a sandwich.

Solo: Meat and condiments encased in bread? Sounds like a sandwich to me.

What Really Lies in Jeffery Hall

Everybody always be like, ‘lmao Jeffery Hall be like a WW2 bunker up in this bitch’ or shit like, ‘damn player, you could survive a freakin’ nuclear apocalypse in the warm embrace of Jeffery - Hall’. But that would be ridiculous right? Right? WRONG. Two Thursdays ago I was fortunate enough to start my ‘Russian prison camp diet’ which consisted of nothing but black bread for a week straight. Cut to 1 Thursday ago and i’m more clogged than a Dutch prince on a shoe-shopping spree.