Authors - Cain Ronson

If Masturbation Counts as Having Sex Then I Have a Greater Kill Count Than Josef Stalin

Grab a bottle of lotion, a fistful of Kleenex® and let me whisk you away for the next 2 minutes of your morous moronic existence as you read this ‘article’. I have sex every day ever. That is a fact. Sometimes i’ll even have sex two times in a day. With whom you ask? Lela, Shyla, Shy, Alexis, Addison, Mark (once), Kyla, Teresa, Fido (once), Christina and the list keeps going. Sometimes people get worried that i’ll get sexually transmitted diseases and so am I, but I always use protection - private browsing.

Point-Counterpoint: Mac DeMarco or Mozart?

Music. It comes in all shapes and sizes like triangles, big, squares and small. But not everyone likes the same music - in fact, scientists have determined that all listeners of music fall into two distinct categories: Mozart, the hit pop artist of the 1970s, or Mac DeMarco, the 2018 EDM trombonist. In this critical ‘thinkpiece’, our two esteemed musical writers, Solo and Jeremy, debate the fundamental truths that permeate our society: who is better, Mac DeMarco or Mozart?

Music Student in Critical Condition After Piano Hilariously Falls on Head

Earlier this week, Areal Violin, a 3rd year music student suffered blunt force trauma to her brain and a free trip to KGH during a freak piano-delivery mishap outside of Harrison LeCaine. Witnesses say Areal slipped and fell right under a piano being lifted on a crane which distracted the movers, causing the piano to fall 3 storeys and land perfectly on her head. One of the movers Isat Uba, described the scene as ‘horrifyingly humorous’, “Like we all heard this comical ‘TWANG’ but when we looked we saw this poor girl with her faced caved in and just blood...everywhere…”.

A Man’s Guide to Dealing with Diurnal Emissions

We’ve all been ‘there’–It’s 12:15 pm on a Wednesday and you’re rushing to class like you’re about to ejaculate in your pants, except this time you actually are. According to Consumer Health Digest, approximately 83% of all men will experience a nocturnal emission in their lives. But what people don’t know is that men also suffer diurnal emissions–wet daydreams. While there are no hard statistics, there is a soft estimate that 16% of men suffer from it.

Eng That Went High to Graphics Exam Regrets it After Getting Marks Back

As students come back from the break and marks start rolling in, many will be content with the work they put in over exams but others will be distraught with their lack of trying. Tim Thiggins, an Eng frosh falls into the latter category. After talking to his friends he was convinced that if he went high to his first year graphics exam he would ace it. He did not. Tim explains, “yeah man my buddy Nut was telling me that he toked up before the graphics midterm and was able to like visualize the shapes and shit and got like a 95 on it!

Sam and Solo Present: The Enigma of the Hot Dog- Sandwich or Nah?

The story of the Hot Dog is as old as time. You know it, I know it, your frickin’ grandma knows it. Let’s get to the real meat of this piece: Sandwich or not? A timeless debated will be debated once again inside the covers of Queen’s finest print media. Buckle up and prepare to be educated by your fellow peers and Queen’s Hot Dog Enthusiasts- Solo and Sam!

Solo: Hot dogs are a sandwich.

Sam: Hot dogs are not a sandwich.

Solo: Meat and condiments encased in bread? Sounds like a sandwich to me.

Where Are They Now? The Cast of Archie Comics

Y’all remember Archie comics? That was lit dude. To me there’s nothing more interesting than reading about the lives of like 10 high schoolers perpetually trapped in grade 12 forever and forced to live through the monotony of going to yet another school dance, having 2 dates booked in one night, or that one time Archie Andrews got shot in the stomach and died. That actually happened, look that up. He jumped in front of his friend Kevin, who’s a senator, took a bullet for him and died. Why couldn’t they have killed Dilton? That kid sucks.

KCVI Student Terrorist Plot Unearthed and Quashed

At 9:44 pm on November 5 2016, the Kingston police received a distress signal coming from the Golden Words office in Clark Hall. Two people were found upon entering, the dead body of writer Cain Ronson and 14 year-old Tiny Mansworth, clutching a bloody knife. Tiny Mansworth didn’t go down without a fight but thankfully his small waifish frame made it easy for Officer JJ Barnacle to apprehend him. After being read his Miranda (Cosgrove) rights he yelled, ‘I was just in here to do my science homework, I swear! What do I know about making a portable non-potable anthrax bomb?’.

KCVI Students Want More Rights Around Campus

It was a particularly deciduous autumn day when Rick Dercer, a third year farts and silence student, came to the standard realization that the pubescent peasants perusing Queen’s campus are in fact high school students. We met up with Rick after his SBD 344 lecture to have a little chat. He told us: “Yeah man, I had no idea there was a high school on campus! I just thought frosh were getting younger every year. I mean sure I looked young back in the day but not that young! I feel like such a dingbat cause when I told my friends, they said they’ve known since first year.

The Guaranteed Way to Cure Pre-Mortem Depression!

Here’s a jarring fact: upwards of 95% of all people ever will die. Shocking, I know, but believe me when I say there are bigger fish to fry. Like CoD. Man I love Call of Duty, kill some zombies and Russians and shit. How could anyone be depressed when stuff like that exists? Well I’ll tell you: I don’t know. What I will tell you is that depression affects approximately 6.7 percent of US citizens in a year! That’s like 235,000 Canadians a year, which really isn’t that many.

Pages