Authors - Golda Meir

Walk Home Introduces New "RUN HOME!" Program to Promote Healthy Living

Beginning March 2nd, Walk Home will be rolling out a new initiative to curb unhealthy lifestyles on and off campus. The new program named “RUN HOME!” responds to callers by sending out two varsity athletes (male and female) to stalk the client. Once the individual is completely alone, the designated “trainers” violently chase the caller back to their residence or home. During the pursuit, the trainers yell out phrases of motivation such as “You can’t escape!” or “We want to feed!” to encourage the caller to maintain a high pace.

A Guide On How To Organize The Most Romantic Valentine's Day Ever Written by Someone Who is Woefully Unqualified to Offer Romantic Advice

It’s the big day, that one night of the year when all those couples break out of their midwinter slumps and start going at it like a pack of horny gazelles. All your friends seem to be in relationships (except for Derrick, lol), and you’re still looking for love. Well, not looking- you’ve got someone in mind. She’s perfect: long blonde hair, has good handwriting, can see out of both eyes- really just top notch stuff. Or if you’re a girl, he’s got a nice butt and stuff (I don’t know, might as well pander to both sides).

Local Old Folks Home Trying New “Unplug” Policy To Save Energy

Saint Catherine’s Home for the Wrinkly and Unwanted has taken on a new environmentally friendly initiative this past week. Aptly named “Unplugged”, the in-home staff have been instructed to disconnect phone chargers, laptop cords and life support systems in order to reduce their carbon footprint. “It’s really a great thing we’re doing here. There’s this peace of mind you get from this sort of ecological responsibility” said Gary Busey, an attendant at the facility.

A Critical Review of a 2:00 AM Booty Call

Saving Private Ryan. Toy Story 3. Pooty Tang. Over the past 3 months I’ve reviewed critically acclaimed films that have impacted entire generations–movies that have defined the morals of our society as a whole. After a few weed-filled nights of looking past the lights and cameras, diving deep into the inner psyche of cinema, I’ve decided to extend my expertise from the silver screen to the smartphone screen. Today, I review a late night booty call:

Act 1: The “Tinder Surprise”

The Importance of a Small Orchestral Accompaniment

It's 7:00 AM, dark and dry in the dead of winter's grip. You can feel the coffee, red bull and adderall slowly fighting an impossible battle with your need to sleep. The dim laptop screen reflects off your eyes, only a few words left to write. An hour is left for you to make an attempt at arguing why Cars 2 is a metaphor for 1950's class struggle and your reasoning is looking more like a conspiracy theory than an essay. As you explain why Lightening McQueen is bourgeoisie, your head drops for a moment- you almost fall asleep.

Life after Love: Relationship Advice from Gorgon the Skull Crusher

Looking for love? Falling out of it? Just need some d? Hi, I’m Gorgon the Skull Crusher, PhD in psychotherapy, Destroyer of Zartan and an ear for listening to all of your problems. Growing up, I served as a commander of the Zartanian militia, tearing the limbs off my enemies, drinking the blood of my victims. During my tours in the Karlaxic nebula, I took an online course from the University of Phoenix in psychology and learned so much about myself and how I treated those I cared about.

How I Could Take On A Cougar in Cage Match to the Death 4/10 Times

You’re in the deep, dark, moist Amazonian jungle with only your wits, a loin cloth and your iPhone 6S by your side. You been traversing the thick foliage for days, taking on a terrain more confusing than a Bengalese dessert menu, a bead of sweat forming on your brow. You take a deep breath, smelling the fresh animal poop from various birds, lizards and small mammals (seriously consider the amount of uncleaned poop there is in the wild, it’s more than you think). But wait: you’re not alone.

ELI5: The Fall Term Break

The fall term break: loved by some, hated by engineers. It’s a divisive topic among the only faculty with a legit orientation week. With more sides than a twenty sided die (so twenty-one sides), I’d like to give little top to bottom explanation of what we’re talking about here – Like the inside cover of a Malcolm Gladwell book, I’m about to blow your mind without actually making a point.

12 Reasons Why the AMS is A Lie Put On By The Freemasons

Open your eyeholes. Every minute that passes, the AMS is out there, plotting away as we sit, mindlessly learning. I’m about to toss up a salad of knowledge with some thousand-truth’s dressing: The AMS is a lie. It’s a collective hallucination, a shadow organization hiding the real syndicate that controls Queens. Life isn’t black and white honey, it’s a rainbow-- I’ve seen the light and it’s burns, but it burns so good. You don’t believe me, no you don’t want to. It’s all too much. The AMS: it was your friend, your confidant, your on and off lover. Now you don’t know what it is.

Successul Breeding Experiments By Dr. Oetker Creates World’s First Pizzaburger Hot Dog

After a ten year period of research, eugenics and culinary abuse, scientists at D. Oetker’s R&D division have finally succeeded creating the messiah of modern dishes: the pizzaburger hotdog. Not a decade ago, this was science fiction. The biotech world had only scratched the surface of fruit gushers and cinnamon toast crunch- we were like children, ignorantly mixing flavors and textures, making such simple creations. No one could have ever imagined what the future would hold.

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