Authors - Golda Meir

A Critical Review of a 2:00 AM Booty Call

Saving Private Ryan. Toy Story 3. Pooty Tang. Over the past 3 months I’ve reviewed critically acclaimed films that have impacted entire generations–movies that have defined the morals of our society as a whole. After a few weed-filled nights of looking past the lights and cameras, diving deep into the inner psyche of cinema, I’ve decided to extend my expertise from the silver screen to the smartphone screen. Today, I review a late night booty call:

Act 1: The “Tinder Surprise”

The Importance of a Small Orchestral Accompaniment

It's 7:00 AM, dark and dry in the dead of winter's grip. You can feel the coffee, red bull and adderall slowly fighting an impossible battle with your need to sleep. The dim laptop screen reflects off your eyes, only a few words left to write. An hour is left for you to make an attempt at arguing why Cars 2 is a metaphor for 1950's class struggle and your reasoning is looking more like a conspiracy theory than an essay. As you explain why Lightening McQueen is bourgeoisie, your head drops for a moment- you almost fall asleep.

How My First Time at Starbucks Made Me Understand the Need for a Mission to Mars

Coffee. Latte’s. Little muffins that have flax seeds and blueberries. What do these small delights have in common? Each one of them has shaped my understand of the world, and the immediate need for government funding in space travel.

Exam Season Explained by Someone Who’s Never Done It

Holy shitballs, are you in for a treat! You’ve been studying your booty off for quizzes, bellringers and midterms, filling your silly little head with useless facts about geopolitics, Starcraft cheat codes and past exams, but this is different. Tie yourself to the nearest sturdy structure cause you’re about to get your shit kicked in harder than the time your Grade 5 bully discovered the wonder of swirlies. Pop a few adderall and crack open a lime Four Loko cause this is a survival guide for the worst weeks of your life. It’s exam season!

Life after Love: Relationship Advice from Gorgon the Skull Crusher

Looking for love? Falling out of it? Just need some d? Hi, I’m Gorgon the Skull Crusher, PhD in psychotherapy, Destroyer of Zartan and an ear for listening to all of your problems. Growing up, I served as a commander of the Zartanian militia, tearing the limbs off my enemies, drinking the blood of my victims. During my tours in the Karlaxic nebula, I took an online course from the University of Phoenix in psychology and learned so much about myself and how I treated those I cared about.

How I Could Take On A Cougar in Cage Match to the Death 4/10 Times

You’re in the deep, dark, moist Amazonian jungle with only your wits, a loin cloth and your iPhone 6S by your side. You been traversing the thick foliage for days, taking on a terrain more confusing than a Bengalese dessert menu, a bead of sweat forming on your brow. You take a deep breath, smelling the fresh animal poop from various birds, lizards and small mammals (seriously consider the amount of uncleaned poop there is in the wild, it’s more than you think). But wait: you’re not alone.

ELI5: The Fall Term Break

The fall term break: loved by some, hated by engineers. It’s a divisive topic among the only faculty with a legit orientation week. With more sides than a twenty sided die (so twenty-one sides), I’d like to give little top to bottom explanation of what we’re talking about here – Like the inside cover of a Malcolm Gladwell book, I’m about to blow your mind without actually making a point.

12 Reasons Why the AMS is A Lie Put On By The Freemasons

Open your eyeholes. Every minute that passes, the AMS is out there, plotting away as we sit, mindlessly learning. I’m about to toss up a salad of knowledge with some thousand-truth’s dressing: The AMS is a lie. It’s a collective hallucination, a shadow organization hiding the real syndicate that controls Queens. Life isn’t black and white honey, it’s a rainbow-- I’ve seen the light and it’s burns, but it burns so good. You don’t believe me, no you don’t want to. It’s all too much. The AMS: it was your friend, your confidant, your on and off lover. Now you don’t know what it is.

Successul Breeding Experiments By Dr. Oetker Creates World’s First Pizzaburger Hot Dog

After a ten year period of research, eugenics and culinary abuse, scientists at D. Oetker’s R&D division have finally succeeded creating the messiah of modern dishes: the pizzaburger hotdog. Not a decade ago, this was science fiction. The biotech world had only scratched the surface of fruit gushers and cinnamon toast crunch- we were like children, ignorantly mixing flavors and textures, making such simple creations. No one could have ever imagined what the future would hold.

What Would Homecoming Be Without Flipping a Police Car?

Homecoming means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Some would say that HoCo is a time of rejoicing with your fellow gaels, celebrating with pancakes and hard liquor. Others think that this upcoming weekend is a moment of reflection, where we remind ourselves of the past weeks by once again getting blackout drunk and forgetting about our responsibilities. I, along with many of the Queen’s community, know that this age old festival of red, blue and gold is most importantly about getting so fucked up that we flip a police car.

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