Authors - Someone Who Once Had to Look Up a Word Mike Tyson Used in An Interview

Teen Dream Magazine’s Thrifty Guide to Scoring a Date with Bruno Mars

We at Teen Dream profess that there’s a star out there for every girl, whatever her type may be! If you’re into adorkable foreign boys, Ed Sheeran’s your dream man! You like Canadian coke heads with nice cars, get ready to fight Selena cause your man is The Weeknd (or Justin Bieber)! And if your style is Lionel Richie with balls there’s no better man than Bruno Mars! For years girls have wondered how to win the heart of this enigmatic superstar.

Letters to GW: Tell Us How Golden Words Ruined Your Life

“It was the wild pre-AIDS days of the late 1970s. I was a hot, young environmental sciences prof with a grade-A pornstache and an increasingly sexless marriage. So when this cute young secretary started coming on to me, what the fuck was I supposed to do? It was a groovy time when it started, but around the sixth month I started getting these nagging thoughts about my wife waiting for me at home, preparing meatloaf for us or putting our young son to bed. It came to the point where I couldn’t take it, I didn’t know what to do.

Petition to Put a Gordon Korman Courtesy Fund in the Annual Budget

Canada’s a decent country. Everyone can vote, our leader’s not totally insane and our ski hills are superb. But let’s be honest, when it comes to honouring great Canadians we’re about as effective as an inflatable dartboard. And I tell you this practice is shameful. Take, for example, Kiefer Sutherland, a man who is not only a great Canadian actor but is also the only person in history who can pull off a mullet. And what have we done for him? Not a thing! Not a statue, not a school named after him, not so much as a commemorative park bench!

Effective Study Tips for Family Reunions

So the universal excuse: “I can’t go, Mom. I have to study.” didn’t work and you find yourself at a family reunion. You have an exam in less than forty-eight hours and you’re stuck here listening to boring stories and praying no one brings up Donald Trump. What you don’t know is that you could be using this valuable time to your advantage. The family reunion is a veritable smorgasbord of resources that no keen student should let pass them by. Adhere to the following Family Reunion Study Tips and you’ll find yourself well-prepared for any and all exams.

Obama’s 2016 Election Day Schedule

12:00 am — The president sleeps restlessly
2:04 am — The president sits up violently after awaking from a nightmare in which Donald Trump burned his house down in the night. He wipes the cold sweat from his brow.
2:48 am — Recognizing that sleep is unlikely, the President picks up the red phone next to his bed and orders a strawberry milkshake over room service.
3:12 am — The president sheds a quiet tear.
4:15 am — The presidential alarm goes off, the president groans.

The Statistics of “Closer”

The Chainsmokers’ hit song “Closer” featuring whoever the fuck it’s featuring has been Billboard’s number one single for eight weeks straight. This is certainly unexpected considering it’s a pretty bland song by a band—excuse me—DJs who’s only previous success came from a David Hasselhoff cameo. Statistically speaking the song should be a barely visible mole on the left kneecap of obscurity and yet, inexplicably it remains at the top of the charts. So naturally, we organized a special commission to discover who exactly is responsible for Closer’s success.

39% — Drunk partygoers

Putting the Hard Work Back into Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving used to be a proud and noble holiday. The mighty early man would toil all throughout the harvest in his fields and only when all his work was done would he celebrate his industrious spirit with a bountiful feast for himself, his family, his community and any useless pilgrims he took pity on. But now Thanksgiving has become little more than a testament to North America’s favorite sins.